Anger & Violence

 

Whenever you or a loved one has a problem with anger, the potential for
violence always needs to be addressed! Violence is not an expression of
anger, but a strategy to maintain power in a relationship. Some people feel
entitled to power and maintain this belief through self-pity, denial,
rationalization, manipulation, and disregard for their partner’s feelings.
Underneath this drive for power can be deep feelings of inadequacy, guilt,
and fears of abandonment. The potential for violence can be seen in
people who:

• Define manhood through competition, maintaining power, and
  devaluing women.

• Do not take responsibility and constantly blame others for their
  feelings and behavior.

• Defend against emotional pain with substance abuse, excitement,
  and anger.

• Are hypersensitive, rigid, and moody and expect partners to meet all
  their needs.

• Rationalize their need for control as necessary for others’ well-being
  and safety.

• Have a history of past violence.

RECOGNIZING THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE

Violent tactics are rarely seen early in a relationship. Initially, a person may
be intensely romantic and pressure his or her partner to make a
commitment. Gradually, a cycle develops of tension building toward abusive
action followed by an expression of remorse or romance. Emotional and
verbal abuse may appear before actual violence. One out of 6 women
reports that her partner hit her at some point in her marriage. Because 70%
to 80% of murdered women are killed by their husband, a family member, or
close male friend, it is very important to become aware of how violence can
progress over the years:

Nonphysical Indicators   Violence—No Contact     Violent Contact





























 

THERAPY FOR BATTERERS

Hidden feelings of powerlessness are often expressed in the need to
control others. In group therapy, people can recognize vulnerable feelings
in others that they have hidden from themselves. It can take 18–24 months
to eradicate the misuse of power that feeds abuse. Management of
violence can actually be accomplished early in treatment, but control issues
require lengthy intervention. Offenders need to:

• Admit that they alone are responsible for violence.

• Experience vulnerable feelings that underlie the need for power.

• Find acceptable channels for relieving pressure: sports or expressing
  insecurity.

• Recognize the cycle of violence and its triggers—“I can’t stand it
  when . . .”

• Learn to use steps to reduce anger danger: time-out, positive self-
  talk, and more.

• Learn to mutually share power in a relationship and resolve conflict
  equitably.

• Rediscover initial interests and pleasure that attracted partners.

THERAPY FOR VICTIMS

To recognize and treat victims of battering, common misconceptions about
domestic violence must be challenged:

Domestic Violence

                    Fiction                                              Fact

Therapy does not start by pushing people to end abusive relationships.
Battered women make an average of seven attempts to leave before doing
so permanently. They return due to a lack of financial and emotional
support. Individual counseling is needed to create the safety for victims to:

• Recognize and admit that abuse is happening.

• Place blame entirely on the violent partner (unless both are abusive).

• Learn that symptoms of depression, disinterest, low self-esteem,
  indecisiveness, and anxiety are reactions to battering rather than
  character flaws.

• Realize that they cannot “save” their partner. Recovery must happen
  in groups with other batterers who can help offenders recognize
  abuse and take full responsibility.

• Develop a safety plan with an exit route, a strategically placed safety
  kit (clothing, medication, money, keys), prearranged shelter, and
  knowledge of when to leave.

• Build a sense of personal power, support, and the ability to make
  decisions.

References

Statistics and other ideas come from Spouse Abuse by Michele Harway and
Marsali Hansen (Professional Resource Exchange, 1994).

Getting Free by Ginny Nicarthy (Seal Press Feminist Publications, 1997)

Abused Men by Philip Cook (Prager, 1997), 800-799-SAFE, www.domestic-
violence.org.