Beliefs that Aid Communication

 

The dance of communication has three steps: showing understanding;
asserting your feelings, wants, and limits; and defusing abusive remarks.

• Rephrase others’ thoughts, empathize with their feelings, and
  validate the factors that contribute to those feelings.

• State your emotions in a sentence that starts with “I,” make requests
  that start with the word “Would,” and take actions that back up your
  desires and limits.

• Treat cruel comments with kindness, ask questions that identify the
  distress that contributes to insults, and use “hypnotic” words that
  subtly suggest desirable behavior.

If the steps of the “communication dance” are difficult for you, it may be
because you are hearing the wrong music. Thoughts such as “I have to
make others understand,” “My feelings aren’t important,” and “I must never
appear weak or lose” are sure to make you trip. To discover any thoughts
that are making you stumble, ask yourself:

• What does it mean about me when other people order, yell,
  complain, or blame?

• What do I think about myself when I express my feelings?

• How do cutting comments make me feel about myself

Directions: Check off any of the thoughts in the left-hand column that you
have in your worse moments. Then, check off the beliefs in the right-hand
column that you would like to have when communication is difficult.




























Identifying communication-enhancing phrases and affirming them regularly
will give you the confidence you need to show understanding, express
yourself effectively, and defuse verbal abuse. Surprisingly, you do not have
to feel good about yourself to communicate powerfully. But the first time you
take the tiniest step toward “power communication,” you will feel good about
yourself!


  
See EMDR: The Breakthrough Therapy by Francine Shapiro (Basic
Books, 1997) or  A Guide to Rational Living by Ellis (Wilshire Book Co.,
1997) for further ideas on how thoughts affect emotions.