Beliefs that Ease Anger
When someone takes away your power it is natural to get mad. The justified
anger of childhood comes from having to give up primitive wants and
desires in favor of socially acceptable behavior. The firm, controlled voice
of adult anger can replace the strident outbursts of youth when three things
happen:
1. Society’s rules become your own.
2. You can trust yourself to find both support and freedom.
3. You acquire enough self-esteem that it cannot be taken away by an
off comment or a minor mishap.
Once these developmental tasks are accomplished, people can look
through others’ eyes to see the whole picture and decide when they need
to take action to correct a true loss of power. If you have many mad
moments, it may be because beliefs instilled during early life experiences
make it difficult to empathize with others and consider your options.
Directions: Mark any of the thoughts below that you’ve had in your “mad
moments.” Then, mark the beliefs you would like to have to pick your
battles and take constructive action.
Turn Provocative Thoughts into . . . Beliefs That Ease Anger
INSTILLING BELIEFS THAT EASE ANGER
When you are not upset, the beliefs that prevent (unnecessary) anger may
seem completely true. It will be harder to maintain them during conflicts of
interest, when you feel controlled or unsupported or when things aren’t
going “right.” To begin to change thinking patterns, start keeping a journal
of your mad moments. Use the questions below and the previous table to
identify the provocative thoughts that each incident triggers. Write a
calming belief that you would like to have instead and affirm it regularly.
- When others disturb me, what does that mean about me?
- How do others’ actions make me feel about myself?
- When did I first have this disturbing thought about myself?
BACK UP BELIEFS WITH ACTION
You can bolster beliefs that reduce the frequency of mad moments by
acting on them. Don’t wait until you feel good enough to change your
behavior. Acting as though the beliefs you want are true is the fastest way
to make them work for you. You will find yourself going from fury to
frustration, anger to annoyance, and ballistic to bothered without even
realizing it. Check the strategies you most need to adopt:
- Practice seeing the whole picture. Look for good intentions in others’
behavior and positive possibilities in negative situations.
- Do not hide from hate. Admit what you are feeling and examine the
incident that caused it. Identify the choices you now have. Take
action to reclaim any power you lost. It is your responsibility to
recover from past hurts.
- Check out your assumptions and generalizations with at least two
people who do not have problems with anger.
- Burn your bridges. Let significant others know how you use anger for
power, to look tough, or to distance.
- Act as if healing beliefs are true—“I am good (enough), I’m loveable,
I belong.” Hold your head high, quit apologizing, take praise, and be
more open. Don’t turn your lack of self-esteem on others.
References
Feeling Good by David Burns (Avon Books, 1980)
EMDR: The Breakthrough Therapy by Francine Shapiro (Basic Books,
1997).
Letting Go of Anger by Ron and Pat Potter-Efron (New Harbinger, 1995).
