Defusing Your Partner
 

If your partner is constantly pouring out emotions, you may have become
tired of listening. When one person is stoic, the other may carry all the
worry, anger, or grief for the relationship. When reserved people shut
others out, their partners feel compelled to try to get through to them. If the
less emotional person learns to show understanding, there can be an
infusion of love, romance, and even sexuality into a relationship. The
following steps can begin to reverse this painful pattern:

• You only need to understand your partner: When he or she is upset,
  take a deep breath and remember: you don’t have to take the blame
  for problems or “fix” them.

• Show your interest by asking questions and making listening noises:
  “Uh huh.”

• Show you understand by rephrasing, labeling feelings, and validating
  factors that contribute to emotions: “Are you saying . . . ?” “It sounds
  like you’re feeling . . .” “It makes sense you would feel . . . because . ."

• Welcome tears: They can help the healing process. Offering your
  hand or arm can help release painful feelings. Do not discourage
  people from crying.

• Do not invalidate feelings by saying, “You shouldn’t feel that way,”
  “Don’t worry about it,” or “I understand.” (Show you understand.)

• Do not express your viewpoint until you feedback your partner’s
  ideas.

• Do not offer solutions: Even if your partner asks you what to do, find
  out his or her ideas first. Pretend you are not sure what to do until
  your partner comes up with a plan.

• When you disagree with your partner’s views, ask how he or she
  reached that conclusion before you say anything. Point out what is
  good about such thinking even when it differs from your own. Do not
  agree just to pacify your partner. You do not have to agree to
  understand.

• When you don’t have the attention to listen, ask for a time-out.
  Assure your partner that he or she will have your full attention later
  and be sure to follow through.

DISTRESS BETWEEN PARTNERS

When your partner is upset with you, it can be especially difficult to follow
the above strategies. In many relationships, people become stuck in
parent/child roles, in which one person is critical and the other defensive.
Be your own judge and strive to meet your own standards. This will free you
to be more understanding and even playful in the face of your partner’s
disapproval. If you have been so beaten down that you’ve lost self-
confidence, get help, because you must learn to feel good about yourself
or you will always be at the mercy of critics. At times, both partners can be
emotional and attacking. Each one is trying so hard to get his or her point
across that neither is listening and the situation escalates. Generally, the
person experiencing the lesser amount of distress will find it easier to break
this cycle. After using the above strategies, you can fine-tune them with the
following:

• Label any disappointment your partner may be feeling: “You are
  disappointed with me because. . . .” This will greatly reduce the
  intensity of the attack.

• Give yourself the right to make mistakes so that you can take an
  honest look at yourself. Understand your shortcomings rather than
  condemn yourself.

• Agree with any part of a criticism that is true, even if it is too harsh.
  Or admit to how you may have contributed to a problem. Agreeing
  with possible truths will take the wind out of a critic’s sails.

• If you have done something wrong, express your remorse and
  concentrate on sympathizing with your partner’s distress rather than
  apologizing for your behavior.

• Come up with a plan for specific changes that you are willing to
  make: Express your desire to change rather than make false
  promises.

• If you are “in the doghouse” for something you did wrong,
  acknowledge what you did and give a little extra.

• Decide whether your partner’s standards are right for you after
  carefully considering his or her complaint. Be willing to change some
  things about yourself but not everything.

• If you decide not to comply with your partner’s requests, be sincerely
  sympathetic: “It must be hard for you when I don’t act the way you
  want.”

• Help your partner become aware of his or her behavior in a
  lighthearted way: “You’re trying so hard to improve me”; “I hope you’
  re not charging too much for this educational moment”; “It really
  helps me sharpen my viewpoint when we disagree.”

• If your partner tends to be too much of a caretaker, take
  responsibility for giving more. Look for little things you can do, rather
  than think that your paycheck or buying expensive items are enough.
  Ask, “Is there anything I can do?”

• If your partner is passive and quietly resentful, find out what his or
  her preferences are before making any decisions about what to do or
  how to spend money. Reach compromises or take turns. Don’t
  always give in or try to get your way.

• f your partner brings up “old” issues, empathize and investigate what
  is triggering it this time. This will relieve some of the frustration of
  having to go over it again. Often, people have to release their
  feelings with a compassionate listener several times before they can
  let go of a concern or get to the underlying problem.

EXPLOSIONS

When your partner’s distress is approaching an explosion, it is easy to feel
helpless. The first step to regaining your power is to understand that
people usually feel powerless when they are yelling. They think the only
way they will ever be heard is by raising their voice. When others withdraw
or argue back, shouting becomes louder. Several strategies can change
this pattern. Practice different approaches and use the one that works best
for you:

• If you can, tell your partner that you will talk when he or she is
  calmer, and leave the room or house. Do something to soothe
  yourself and be sure to follow up later!

• Focus on your partner and make listening noises if you cannot leave
  or if you do have the strength to withstand the storm. Do not try to
  talk yourself. While you’re looking at your partner, keep asking
  yourself, “What is really hurting him or her?”

• Show that you understand your partner’s point when you see an
  opening.

• Do not try to reason or disagree with people who are fuming,
  because in that frame of mind they are unable to consider others’
  ideas. After your partner has felt completely understood, he or she
  may be more capable of understanding you.

• Do not tolerate physical abuse: You may need to separate from your
  partner until he or she is involved in therapy and demonstrates a
  commitment to making changes. Do not count on promises.
  

    
Reference

See The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman
(Crown Publishers, 1999) for more information on resolving relationship
conflict.