Extra Help for Anger
 

It is entirely the responsibility of explosive people to learn to tame their
temper. However, it is an easier task when family and friends are willing to
learn responses that do not fuel a flare-up. Mark any strategies below that
you would like others to use to help you or that you are willing to use to
calm your significant others:

• Discuss rules for dealing with anger during calm times in public
  places. Agree that either party can terminate a discussion if he or
  she fears it is heading toward violence or verbal abuse.

• Assess any risk of violence during actual disagreements and do your
  best to leave if there is a remote possibility of abuse.

• Set limits on verbal abuse—“I will leave the room when you yell or call
  me names.”

• Give reminders to take a five-minute break for a brief release of
  emotional energy alone when discussions become too tense.

• Deal with your own discomfort with others’ anger, which often comes
  from childhood fears of being punished or disappointing. Tell yourself
  to stop thinking of a rebuttal and listen to understand the other
  person’s point.

• Nod and make listening noises. Rolling your eyes and looking away
  intensifies other peoples’ tirades and their desperation to make you
  understand.

• Help others convert their resentment into a request or statement of
  feeling—“Would you tell me what is hurting you or what you want?”

• Rephrase, label feelings, and validate the other person before you
  make your point—“You’re saying I always put others before you. You
  must feel neglected. It makes sense that my other obligations are
  hard on you.”

• Ask if the other person wants to hear you position before making any
  attempt to explain yourself—“You sound convinced that I don’t spend
  more time at home because I don’t care about you. Do you want to
  consider any other ideas?”

• Ask the other person to rephrase what you’ve said after making your
  point—“I’m not sure if I’m making sense, would you tell me what I
  said?”

• Overlook minor outbursts and do not take them personally. Remind
  yourself that people who are reactive to their environment tend to
  increase volume when they are excited or upset. Accepting
  occasional irritability may be a part of enjoying a passionate person’s
  temperament. But, take a time-out for yourself when you cannot be
  calm.

• Pick your battles with people who tend to be inflexible. Point out when
  you are going along with something that is not your preference—
  “That’s not my way of doing things, but I don’t mind making a change
  in this situation.”

• Set limits on issues that are important to you—“I’m really not
  comfortable with what you want. I’m sure we can reach a compromise,
  and until we do, I thoroughly sympathize with how disappointed you
  are.”

• Give inflexible, explosive people time to consider new ideas—“I really
  want . . . . It is important to me because . . . . Please don’t give me
  your reaction until you’ve had time to think about it.”

• Help others think through “unreasonable” demands by considering
  the logical extension of what they want instead of totally rejecting
  their ideas—“That might be a good idea. What would we do if . . .
  happens?”

FRIENDLY CAUTIONS

Avoid asking for help from friends and relatives who are pushy,
disinterested, inept, or rigid. Attempts to involve them in your recovery or
make them change will hinder your progress. Be cautious of bad advice.
Input that makes you feel even worse about yourself is probably not
correct. Do not argue with bad advice or try to make others understand.
Thank people for their concern and tell them you’ll consider what they are
saying.

NATIONAL NETWORKS AND SUPPORT GROUPS

Because there are numerous causes for problems with anger, there are few
nationwide organizations or networks devoted to this issue. However, many
12-step groups (Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Alanon for
family members, and Adult Children of Alcoholics) often deal with this topic
and are essential when substance abuse contributes to difficulties. Most
communities have shelters and treatment groups for domestic violence.
Mental health centers and courthouses are good sources of information.
Websites and books can offer additional assistance:

• Domestic violence hotlines: 800-799-SAFE, www.domestic-violence.
  org/.

• General Internet sites and links: www.cmhc.com.

• Anger Kills by Redford Williams and Virginia Williams (Harper Mass
  Market, 1998).

• Anger: Deal with It, Heal with It and Stop It from Killing You by Bill
  Defoore (Health Communications, 1991).

• The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner (HarperCollins, 1997).

• Facing the Fire by John Lee (Bantam, 1995).

MEDICATION

• Mood stabilizers and hormone treatments can markedly reduce
  volatility that can happen during episodes of depression, agitation, or
  PMS.

• Stimulants that help hyperactive people focus can reduce impulsive
  outbursts of anger.

• Antidepressants that increase levels of serotonin often reduce
  irritability in people who are highly reactive to their surroundings or
  compulsively preoccupied with rules, details, order, ethics, and
  cleanliness.

• The herb Saint-John’s-wort can be used by people who are reluctant
  to take medication (if they are not overly sensitive to sun exposure or
  at risk for cataracts). However, some people may not find it as
  effective as prescription medication.

PROFESSIONAL HELP

Counseling is very important when anger interferes with work or personal
relationships. When physical abuse has occurred, the treatment of choice
is group therapy in a domestic violence program. Couples should not be
seen in counseling together until batterers have begun to manage
destructive urges.