Pointers for Differentiating

 

Leaving home emotionally can take a lifetime. Doing so is more about
carving your own unique identity that simultaneously differentiates you from
and links you to your family than about how far you live from home. The
following pointers can help you begin the journey out of the nest:

• Log incidents in which you try to fuse or become one with others by
  controlling, yielding, or forming alliances.

• Assess how your family operates by diagramming relationships in
  your family of origin and your current family and observing interaction
  during discussions.

• Maintain separate, person-to-person relationships with all family
  members through discussions about philosophies of life, beliefs, and
  interests. When unresolved issues interfere with relationships, use
  empathy skills and express your feelings with statements that start
  with the word “I” to work through the impasse.

• Take a position on issues that surface during life cycles and crises
  by making statements that start with the word “I.” Express how your
  stance differs from others while appreciating their views. Make sure
  you are stating your concerns and intentions without attacking,
  defending, or trying to ally with others.

• Make casual comments that agree with, exaggerate, or reverse
  expected counterattacks (for taking a stand). If you have difficulty,
  role-play scenarios with a friend or therapist who is not involved in
  your family. Memorize possible responses.

• Dispel misperceptions that independence is the same as rejection:
  Show that you understand others’ points of view to further defuse
  counterattacks and to maintain contact while the family is absorbing
  an expression of individuality.

• Take the neutral stance when other family members are in conflict:
  Empathize with one person’s position without attacking or blaming
  others. State that you intend to understand the other party as well,
  and that you will not act as a go-between.

• Avoid alliances others try to form with you by exposing them: “ . . .
  and I have been plotting how to help the family through this impasse.”

• Break confidences to disrupt gossip: Ask the third party why he or
  she is allowing other people to gossip about him or her. You can do
  this with or without warning the gossiper: “If you continue to tell me
  things, I will inform. . . ."

• Deflect expressions of gratitude for your efforts to differentiate by
  denying the importance of what you’ve done. Any endeavors to
  differentiate must be made for yourself. Attempts to “help” others or
  gain approval, seek oneness, and promote alliances rather than
  individuation.

• Assess your level of differentiation by asking for feedback from
  people you trust on how well you do the above. Work on making
  needed changes.

EXTRA HELP

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner (HarperCollins, 1997).
American Family Therapy Academy, www.afta.org