The Art of Understanding

 

Active listening, or showing others that you understand them, is the most
important step in the dance of communication. Generally, during an
emotional moment, two people are desperately trying to get their points
across to each other and neither is actually listening. Or one person is
going on and the other is tuning him or her out. The way out of this dilemma
is the listening paradox:

When you most want someone to hear you, it helps to listen first!

ACTIVE LISTENING TOOLS

True listening is a form of meditation in which you clear your mind of your
own thoughts and put your attention entirely on another person. The
following steps help build the concentration necessary for active listening:

• Make eye contact, nods of understanding, and listening noises: “Uh
  huh. . . . hmm. . . .” When you appear disinterested, people talk on
  and on, desperately trying to gain your attention. Focusing on the
  speaker shortens monologues by helping the speaker realize you are
  listening.

• Rephrase: “Are you saying . . . ?” It is better to restate in other words
  what has been said than to simply repeat. This helps clarify the other
  person’s point. Ask questions if you don’t fully understand what has
  been said: “What do you mean by . . . ?” Your paraphrases don’t
  have to be 100% correct as long as you ask, “What percent of that
  did I understand?” Keep rephrasing until the other person feels
  completely understood. This is often signified by a nod.

• Label feelings: “Do you feel . . . ? You seem to feel. . . .” Until
  emotions are recognized, people tend to hang on to them. Once
  feelings are identified, people can let them go. Highly accurate
  responses can draw out tears. Releasing such emotions deepens the
  connection between two people and takes communication to an
  intimate level (especially when accompanied by a touch, pat, or hug).
  When people are mad, identify any hurt their anger may be masking.
  It is generally better to overstate distress than to minimize it.

• Validate feelings: “It makes sense that you feel . . . because. . . .”
  Validating the factors that contribute to a feeling requires curiosity.
  The more irrational an emotion seems, the more fascinating it is to
  discover the cause. When you understand the “emotional logic”
  behind a feeling, it starts to make sense: “I can see why you are
  disappointed in me, since you don’t approve of women wearing short
  skirts.” Feelings are not right or wrong, but are the result of helpful or
  harmful beliefs. Validating shows that you are not making judgments
  and helps others be less defensive or attacking.

It is far easier to make judgments and sneak in your own viewpoint than to
listen. Examine the following comments carefully to find their hidden
agenda: “You wanted to run away instead of trying”; “You think I can’t ever
change even though I’m listening now”; “You shouldn’t feel so responsible.”
The following examples show that in an emotional moment either person
can turn conflict into true communication:

Active Listening Responses    
 

1.    
Speaker’s Comment                        

How can I ever trust you to work out our problems when you left for
two days?

Rephrase                        

You think if things get tense again, I won’t be able to handle it and I’ll
leave.   

Label Feelings                        

The idea of trusting me seems to make you feel more wor¬ried and
anxious.

Validate        
     
I can see why you would not trust me until I show you that I can be
different.  
  

2.
Speaker’s Comment                        

I left because our argument was so bad, I thought it would get physical.

Rephrase                        

You thought the wisest thing to do was leave and not chance the
possibility of a fight.   

Label Feelings                        

The idea that we might physically fight must have been really scary for
you.

Validate        
     
It makes sense that when I pushed you, you were afraid you might
strike back.        


3.
Speaker’s Comment                        

If you think I’m going to do my homework now, you’re nuts.

Rephrase                        

You think that this is a very poor time to do your assignment.

Label Feelings                        

Are you resentful that I’m asking you to do homework when we have
company?  

Validate        
     
I can see why you would feel left out when everyone else is having a
good time.  


4.
Speaker’s Comment                        

You never listen to me—You just try to fix me.

Rephrase                        

What do you mean when you say I try to “fix” you?

Label Feelings                        

You get frustrated when I think for you and give you solutions.

Validate        
     
It makes sense that you want me to hear your ideas instead of giving
you mine.


5.
Speaker’s Comment                        

I have to do something to help you when you complain so much!

Rephrase                        

You think that if you don’t help me, I’ll never feel better.

Label Feelings                        

You must feel a lot of pressure when I get upset.

Validate        
     
People have always counted on you, so I can see why you take over.     

         ______________________________________________

Although these examples demonstrate the tremendous improvement that
can take place in communication with active listening, they may bring up
some concerns:

• Active listening sounds so artificial! This is true. Feeding back,
  labeling feelings, and validating are learned responses. Reassuring,
  explaining, and insulting come from animal instinct and do not have
  to be taught. They are generally the worst thing to do during an
  emotional moment.

• Am I supposed to start repeating everything I hear? You do not have
  to use active listening every time someone talks to you. Disagreeing
  and advising can make everyday banter fun and challenging. It is
  only during emotional moments, when you notice tension, that it is
  essential to switch gears and become an active listener.
  

• Will I ever get a chance to speak? When you carefully listen without
  inserting your views, other people become curious about where you
  stand. Surprisingly, you will remember your own issues even though
  you’ve just put them out of your mind. However, your concerns may
  diminish when you thoroughly understand others.

Trying to get your point across without thoroughly understanding other
people is like venturing into enemy territory without first doing
reconnaissance work. Your power comes from understanding others—not
from being understood!