Caring Less About    
Abandonment
 

The natural direction of psychological growth is toward discovery of
uniqueness and self-rule. When this process threatens families, people
must abandon desires for self-definition and independence to avoid
abandonment by caretakers at too early an age. This rejection of self-
sufficiency becomes a vicious cycle of transferring power to others (that
had to be given to caretakers), and trying to gain strength from others that
is imagined to be lacking in oneself. By losing all sense of self-support,
people seek attachment and believe that their problems can be resolved
only if others change. Six or more items marked in either column below
suggest that the self has become a clinging vine instead of the freestanding
individual it was meant to be.

Personality Types

Dependent Personalities

• Need advice and reassurance about everyday decisions and can be
  gullible.

• *Feel helpless and inadequate when alone.

• Need others to take responsibility for major areas of their lives.

• Lack confidence. May be underemployed. *Often think relationship
  problems are due to their inadequacies.

• *Try to fix others to be able to lean on them or to avoid abandonment.

• *Avoid disagreements due to fear of losing support. Will take the
  blame and cover up for others to avoid conflict.

• *Are too tolerant of abuse or neglect. May constantly give or do
  things they don’t like in hope of being cared for in return.

• *Urgently seek another relationship when one ends to gain care and
  support.

• *Are preoccupied with fears of disapproval or being left to care for
  themselves.

• Can appear docile, *controlling, or nice

Erratic Personalities

• Avoid real or imagined abandonment but can switch from clinging to
  distancing.

• *Easily feel empty or bored (when alone).

• Have unstable and intense relationships with extreme changes in
  perceptions: others are wonderful or terrible.

• Are uncertain about themselves—their goals, values, or even sexual
  orientation. Often fail when on the verge of success.

• Are impulsive in two or more ways that could be self-damaging:
  spending, sex, recklessness, drug use, or binge eating.

• Repeat suicide attempts, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating
  behavior.

• Have rapid mood cycles (excitement, despair, anxiety) lasting hours
  or days.

• *Have intense (inappropriate) anger, constant irritability, or repeated
  arguments.

• Can be violent, feel unreal, or believe people are against them under
  stress.

• Can appear oppositional or passionate.        

(Starred items suggest the well-publicized problem of co-dependency. At
the time of this publication, the American Psychiatric Association had not
listed separate criteria for this pattern of behavior.)

ORIGIN OF PROBLEMS

• People with the above characteristics may have had overinvolved,
  intrusive parents who imply “You can’t do it by yourself” or “If you
  grow up, bad things will happen (to me).” Dependent personalities
  may have had good parenting in the dependent phases of their lives
  but felt squelched when it was time to pull away as 2-year-olds and
  teens. Erratic people often had inconsistent support when they
  needed it and too much control when they tried to explore their
  environment or the world. There may have been actual abandonment
  (due to death, divorce, or desertion) or abusive intrusiveness,
  including incest.

• People can be predisposed toward dependency by sickly
  constitutions, low energy, timid temperaments, and difficulties
  handling peer taunting that elicits parental (over)protection. Erratic
  personalities may have physical deficits in emotional regulation or
  may have been irritable, difficult-to-soothe infants who taxed
  caretakers’ abilities to nurture.

THE CHALLENGE OF CHANGE

Disagreeing with or letting go of others can be frightening. You may literally
feel you will die on your own. For some people, the only way to become
freestanding is to live alone and discover the universe of friends and
organizations that are ready to offer support. One’s (true) self can only be
found through a variety of experiences. The goal is interdependence in
which time is spent apart to discover interests and values that can later be
shared with others. Dependent or erratic people often feel powerless,
frustrated, or resentful. Use these reactions to identify the thoughts that
actually cause your distress and limit you.

Directions: Mark any thoughts you get about yourself or others in your
worst moments. Then, identify beliefs you would like to have and affirm
these new ideas regularly.

Turn Defeating Thoughts into      . . .     Beliefs That Promote Change





























BEHAVIOR EXPERIMENTS

It will be easier to identify your defeating thoughts by intentionally creating
situations that bring them to the surface. Pick any of the following exercises
that sound hard or distasteful. Find a family member or friend to be your
coach.

• Spend time alone and log any feelings of inadequacy or emptiness
  you have. Ask yourself “What would I like to do by myself?” Include
  things you avoid doing alone but enjoy. Gradually increase the
  amount of time and things you can do on your own.

• Notice every time you ask for advice or help. Encourage others to
  give you feedback. Make an agreement that they will not give input
  until you have expressed your own ideas or made an attempt to
  tackle a task yourself.

• Purposely disagree or make requests every day. Use the phrase, “I
  would like to . . . ,” “I believe . . . ,” or, “Would you . . . ? Make a
  contract with others to say your opinion first.

• Designate a posture to sit in when you feel helpless or alone.
  Exaggerate feelings of inadequacy and desertion. Designate a
  posture for the independent you and act as if you were competent.
  Switch postures and have a dialogue between your two parts.

• Draw a picture of the independent you and spend increasing
  amounts of time acting as if you were that person. Log any
  discomfort you have. Have the clingy you tell the independent you, “I
  won’t let you succeed because . . .” and listen to the response.

• Make good-bad lists. Include wonderful and awful qualities about
  significant others. Make additions to the lists any time your feelings
  change. When you are idolizing a person, study his or her “awful list”
  and vice versa. Start with a list about your coach.