Claim it and Aim it

 

Avoiding anger is as self-damaging as constant fuming. People may totally
suppress anger, express it in sneaky ways, or disown their hostility and see
it in others. If you do not claim your anger, it will “own” you. When you
embrace your anger, you can contain it and aim it in a direction that will
serve you well. Each means of short-circuiting anger has costly payoffs:

• Suppressed anger causes people to lose themselves. Having a
  relationship takes priority over having a self. Giving in, going along
  with, and putting others first causes feelings of confusion and being
  used. Wants and needs don’t get met because they are unknown. In
  the extreme, people lose enjoyment of and interest in life.
  Headaches, ulcers, or other physical problems may develop. Some
  people deny their feelings until they explode or turn anger against
  themselves.

• Stealth anger invites bad will from others due to constant excuses,
  procrastination, playing helpless, and ignoring requests. Experts at
  avoiding what they do not want, have trouble knowing what they do
  want and reaching goals. They rarely receive appreciation or
  approval from others and ultimately lose self-respect.

• Disowned anger makes the world look hostile. By seeing their own
  anger in others, people gain a temporary excuse to retaliate.
  However, it is necessary to be on guard all the time and easy to feel
  victimized, envious, and jealous. Others view these people as
  suspicious, unpredictable, and not believable. Eventually, the anger
  that is seen in others becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

EMBRACE ANGER TO CONTAIN IT

Anger is the least understood and most maligned of all the emotions.
Whereas sadness and fear can be private affairs, anger connects us to
others. Inappropriate expressions of anger are especially noticeable and
the cause of much misinformation in society. This can lead to the
internalization of thoughts that disarm us. Learning correct information and
identifying beliefs that contradict incapacitating thoughts helps reclaim
anger.

Directions: Mark any of the thoughts that you have that suppress anger.  
Then, mark the beliefs that would help you use your anger wisely.

Turn Thoughts That Avoid Anger into . . . Beliefs That Embrace Anger
 

DIALOGUE WITH DISPLEASURE

Once you accept your anger, you can hear what it is telling you. Every mad
moment is a message that something is wrong. If you are a master conflict-
avoider, you may not want to recognize that you are being used or
betrayed. However, you can right a wrong with less turmoil in the early
stages of mistreatment than when it becomes blatant abuse. Any of the
following questions can begin a dialogue with your displeasure:

• If I were angry right now, what would be bothering me?

• What is it about this situation that troubles me? What do I think and
  feel?

• What do I want to accomplish? What, specifically, do I want to
  change?

• Who is responsible for what? What am I willing and not willing to do?

• When I make excuses, play helpless, or ignore others, what is really
  bothering me?

• When I think others are angry, disrespectful, or betraying me, how
  might I be angry with, disrespectful, or unfaithful to them?

• When I think others are greedy, envious or jealous, what is it that I’m
  wanting?

THE AIM OF ANGER

Anger needs direction. Without focus, it gets sidetracked into a laundry list
of complaints, bitterness, and irritability. Anger avoiders often choose to be
victimized, evasive, or guarded and do not take decisive action. They think
of anger as a weapon rather than a problem-solving tool. Once you’ve
reclaimed your anger and identified what is bothering you, practice using
annoyance to express your feelings, wants, and limits:

• Rehearse expressions of anger with sentences that start with the
  word “I”—“I feel . . . when you . . . .” “Would you . . . , . . . or . . . .” “I
  will (not) . . . .”

• Put a new face on anger. Change strident outbursts into firm,
  controlled expression. Turn resentment into requests. Imagine taking
  an action when words don’t work.

• Allow others to be angry. It’s OK for spouses, children, and friends to
  be upset when you don’t do what they want. Be firm and then
  sympathize with their distress.

• Practice making decisions. When you don’t know what you want to
  do, pretend you know. Every decision helps you learn more about
  who you are and what you want.

• Say “No” instead of, “I forgot,” “Yes, but . . . ,” “I’ll do it later,” or
  playing helpless, withdrawing, and ignoring. Don’t say “Yes” unless
  you plan to follow through.

• Have a yes/no fight. Say “Yes” and have a support person say “No”
  with different tones and volumes. Then switch roles. Get the feel of it.

• Make a no-gossiping rule for yourself. If you must talk about
  someone with whom you are angry, do it with the agenda of planning
  how to be direct.

• Hang in instead of making excuses. Avoid telling yourself, “Why
  should I bother?” “I just don’t feel like it,” or “It’s useless.” Say things
  “for the record” rather than to accomplish an outcome.

• Stay angry long enough to make sure something good happens.

Reference

For further information see Letting Go of Anger by Ron and Pat Potter-
Efron (New Harbinger, 1995) and  The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor
Learner (HarperCollins, 1997).