Differentiating from
Your Family of Origin
 

You may handle family pressure by trying to conform or by divorcing
yourself emotionally. However, there is an alternative. You can learn how to
express your differences or differentiate without getting caught in conflicts
or abandoning your significant others. Once you’ve left home, the best
place to reclaim the freedom to be yourself is with the family that raised you
because:

• When you are away from home, you will have time to evaluate your
  interactions with family members, regain a sense of yourself, and
  plan future strategies.

• Attachments to spouses, bosses, and associates often mimic early
  entanglements and will automatically change as you develop a new
  style of being with your parents.

• Your ability to be your own person is determined by how well you
  have resolved issues with your parents and the degree to which your
  parents are differentiated.

METHODS FOR DIFFERENTIATING WITHIN YOUR FAMILY

     1.     Separate, person-to-person relationships: Develop an
             individual relationship with each parent instead of dealing with
             them as a unit.

• Correspond with each parent separately instead of writing Dear-Mom-
  and-Dad letters.

• Have individual telephone conversations instead of talking with both
  parents on extension lines.

• Balance the time you spend with each parent alone during family
  visits. Talk about subjects of interest that do not involve others.
  Stories of past family history, ancestry, philosophies of life, and
  beliefs are all good topics: “What was it like for you when we were
  little and Daddy was gone a lot?” “What was your most embarrassing
  or proudest moment?” “What upset you when you were a child?”

     2.     The I position: When conflicts emerge in the family, your goal is
             to state your position and underscore the fact that there are        
             differences in the family. There are few opportunities to take the I
             position during periods of calm. Deaths, serious illnesses, family
             gatherings, weddings, divorces, and disclosure of secrets often
             spawn issues that are fertile opportunities to differentiate. Openly
             define where you stand on an issue, what you want, and what
             you intend to do without defending yourself, attacking, or
             withdrawing:

• “I won’t be getting a prenuptial agreement, even though that may be
  unwise.”

• “I don’t agree with your position on premarital sex, and I’ll be glad to
  keep the details of my weekend plans private if you find them too
  disturbing.”

• “When you give me unsolicited advice, I feel too resentful to consider it.”

     3.     Neutralizing attacks: After stating your position, it helps to
             anticipate a series of reactions from your family. This backlash is
             so important that if it does not happen, you may not have made a
             successful attempt at differentiation! Initially, family members may
             be surprised, hurt, or angry and label your ideas crazy,
             irresponsible, or immoral. Then they will do their best to convince
             you to change your mind. When this does not work, they may
             threaten to disown you, but these accusations will probably reach
             a peak and then subside. Finally, the family will come to respect
             and appreciate your convictions. “Surviving” expressions of
             individuality will help all family members differentiate. The hardest
             part of this task is to maintain contact while under fire.

Murray Bowen’s ideas on differentiation are summarized in Family Therapy
in Clinical Practice (Jason Aronson, 1978).

Making a casual, empathic response will empower you and can defuse
nonstop tirades. For example, if you are told that you are ungrateful, you
can:

• Agree (in theory): “I could be more grateful.”

• Act as if you’ve been complimented: “Is that a bad thing?” or simply
  say, “Thank you.”

• Exaggerate the attack: “I’m very selfish as well.”

• Use reverse psychology: “Maybe you should try harder to reform me.”

• Label feelings: “You sound very disappointed in me.”

• Validate feelings: “It makes sense that you’d think I’m ungrateful
  because I do not call as much as you’d like.”

• Sympathize: “My ways sound difficult for you.”

When you truly give up seeking approval, other’s judgments will not hurt
you. However, if you cannot remain calm, state that you will revisit the
discussion later. It is important to resume contact as soon as you are able
to show that asserting independence is not the same thing as rejection.

     4.     The neutral stance: Even when you are not involved in a conflict
             between two family members, you can use their disagreement
             as an opportunity to differentiate by simply understanding the
             difference in each person’s position. This takes you out of a
             judging position, demonstrates tolerance for varying viewpoints,
             and minimizes the chance for alliances to form. The following
             situations suggest ways to stay neutral without retreating:

• Practice the neutral stance in circumstances that are not emotionally
  charged: Start with conflicts between young children or siblings
  before the challenge of staying neutral with your parents or when you
  have strong biases toward one person.

• If you find yourself reacting negatively to one party, spend time alone
  with that person until you can understand his or her position.

• Handle gossip by breaking confidences: Ask the “gossipee,” “Why do
  you allow such stories to be told about you?” This will anger the
  gossiper, force the family to deal more directly with each other, and
  give you an opportunity to make a casual comment to any attacks:
  “With a little bit of practice, I’m sure you could develop as big a mouth
  as mine.”

• Avoid alliances by exposing them when you sense someone is trying
  to get you to take sides: “Mom and I have been plotting how to get
  everyone over this impasse.”

Rehearsing possible interactions and writing a script for taking the I position
or the neutral stance can help. However, discussing your plans with a family
member establishes an alliance and hinders efforts to differentiate.