Differentiating in
Marriage & Parenthood
 

To become your own independent person it is necessary to define how you
are different from the people who raised you while maintaining your
connection with them. However, when conflict or dissatisfaction with your
marriage is too great, it may be necessary to focus on that problem first.
The most common mistake people make in their efforts to improve their
relationships is trying to make the other person change. Any real steps
toward expressing individuality are replaced by complaining and criticizing
one’s partner. This is a blatant attempt to fuse and become one person:

• If my husband were more understanding he would [be in my mind
  and] know what I want.

• My wife should [be like me and] not need so much attention.

THREE STAGES OF DIFFERENTIATION IN MARRIAGE

1. The I-Position and Empathy

Compliant people, who tend to give in, begin to stand up for their requests,
make statements that start with the word “I,” and express limits. Rigid
people, who need to dominate, start to understand how their efforts
ultimately hurt themselves. Each spouse becomes more flexible and
communication is improved. After years of complaining it requires a
conscious effort to turn resentments into requests:

• I’ve been missing affection from you lately. Would you kiss me good-
  bye in the morning?

• It seems like I can never give enough. Would you let me have 20
  minutes to myself when I get home from work?

At the same time, spouses begin to show understanding for their partners’
feelings and wants. It is necessary to stop trying to be one to understand
emotions and needs that may be entirely different from your own:

• A little thing like a kiss good-by would go a long way to remind you
  that I care.

• It makes sense that you would need time alone to unwind when you
  get home from work.

2. Alternating steps

Through the I-position and the use of empathy, spouses start to learn
about themselves and begin to differentiate. This happens in alternating
steps. As individuality surfaces in one spouse, the other feels threatened
and pleads for oneness. When the individuating spouse stays on track
without defending, attacking, or withdrawing, the second spouse discovers
the relationship can survive and he or she begins to differentiate. Now the
other spouse may plead for togetherness.

3. True closeness

With each gain in individuality, the need for fusion becomes less intense.
The couple begins to experience the true closeness of two people making
contact instead of acting like one. When problems occur, each person is
less reactive and able to own responsibility for his or her part without self-
blame. Each person is now free to start differentiating from his or her family
of origin. When spouses are able to have close relationships with their
extended family on their own terms, the couple is further strengthened.

INDIVIDUATING AS A PARENT

Parenthood will especially challenge any unresolved issues about being
unique, independent, and separate. Parents need to be able to lead the
family and take a stand on issues. Domineering parents are trying to make
their children an extension of themselves. Weak parents may give in due to
fears of losing their “oneness” with their children. Even lecturing, nagging,
and explaining are attempts to win agreement and avoid any risk of
rejection involved in taking action. A parent who is well on his or her way to
differentiating is able to:

• Consider differing viewpoints without agreeing or disagreeing.

• Make final decisions (after considering other ideas) on parent-child
  issues.

• Be comfortable with childrens’ anger and listen to attacks without
  emotionally reacting.

• Back up rules with consequences.

• Remain neutral but involved when children have conflicts.

• Develop one-on-one relationships with each child.

• Take turns functioning as the family leader in two-parent families
  without feeling intimidated.

Having one-on-one relationships, taking a stand, and remaining neutral but
involved in family conflicts helps shed the adhesive skin of the false self
that was necessary for your survival when you were young. As more of your
self-governing, solid-self becomes exposed, you will be able to walk the
tangled web your family weaves without getting caught and discover a
lifeline that offers both connection and freedom:
The common house spider spins a loosely woven tangled web of dry silk.
Wherever a spider goes, it is constantly spinning a silk thread called a
dragline or a lifeline which it uses to escape from and return to its web.