Good Grief
 

Sadness and grief are natural reactions to changes in familiar habits due to
death, divorce, moving, graduation, retirement, illness, and even vacations.
All of these involve loss that can be painful for two reasons:

• They bring up core beliefs about the nature of existence—”I’m
  alone.” “I’m responsible.” “I’m lost.” “I have no purpose.” “I’m
  incomplete.” “I’m vulnerable.”

• They make us face “unfinished business” from a situation or
  relationship: resentments, regrets, unspoken appreciation, and
  unmet expectations.

It is not time or keeping busy that heals the painful wounds of loss, but
creating a new definition of yourself and completing what was not finished in
the relationship.

COMPLETE UNFINISHED BUSINESS

No matter how good a relationship or a situation is, it is a work in progress
and therefore incomplete. As soon as you experience a loss, your mind
reviews and searches for what was never communicated. This review
continues intermittently until it is completed. The following show how you
can help the process by communicating your regrets, resentments,
unspoken appreciation, and unmet dreams to a mental image of the person
who is gone, in a letter that you may never send, or to the eyes of a friend
in role play.

Make Amends

• Pinpoint your mistakes: Take responsibility for your contribution to
  any problems in the relationship, but only for your part! There are
  usually some positive consequences from even the worst blunders.

• Express your regret: “I am sorry for . . .”

• Express the (unrealistic) wish behind regrets: “I wish I had (could
  have) . . .” Identify a specific action that could have made the
  situation different.

• Change your pattern: In future situations, act out any realistic wishes
  you identified. Even if you are unable to do this with the person who
  is gone, you still make amends by being different with others.

• Do not ask for forgiveness: Forgiveness is entirely the choice of the
  “injured” party. If the other person is deceased, you can imagine how
  they would respond to you.

Let Go of Resentments

• Identify any power you gave up or lost: Resentment comes from a
  loss of power.

• Identify the power or choices you now have: As you grow, you gain
  options. It may be difficult to let go of resentment until you know you
  can fulfill past unmet needs.

• Express your past resentment and newfound power as a statement: “I
  resented you for . . . but now I can (plan to) . . .”

• Do not tell people you forgive them. Often, this is perceived as an
  attack. Instead, let them know when you are doing OK. This releases
  both you and them. It is your responsibility to recover from any of
  your past hurts.

Express Unspoken Gratitude, Dreams, and Future Plans

• “I want you to know. . . ."

AFFIRM BELIEFS THAT REDEFINE YOURSELF

All relationships and situations develop their own set patterns and routines.
When you become disconnected from these, it is natural to feel as though
you are in free fall. Unless you are an expert “sky diver,” such experiences
will trigger your most painful beliefs. To discover them, take a mental
snapshot of the worst part of the ending of the relationship. As you look at
that memory or mental image of the person who is gone, ask yourself:

• “What does this mean about me?”

• “How does this make me feel about myself?”

• “When did I first have this disturbing thought about myself?”

Directions: Mark any hurtful thoughts that are linked to your current or past
losses. Then mark any healing beliefs that you would like to have to help
you negotiate this difficult time in your life.
 

    Change Hurtful Thoughts into        . . .        Healing Beliefs
































POINTERS FOR TURNING LOSSES INTO GAINS

Identifying new ideas, affirming them regularly, and using some of the
following pointers will give you the compass you need to land on your feet
on solid ground:

• Do not bury your feelings in food, alcohol, anger, TV, or work.

• Do not be strong for others. It may help them to see your pain.

• Be with your sadness when it comes. Accept it, but don’t invite it.

• Use emotional moments to mentally communicate unspoken words to
  your loved one or affirm beliefs that heal. This may intensify feelings
  and help release them.

• Stay with the pain of a negative memory but purposely follow it with a
  good one.

• Find a support group or person with whom you can share feelings.

• Dispose of belongings gradually. Periodically review items you can
  release.

• Plan activities for anniversaries that are enjoyable and comforting or
  use “special days” to mentally communicate how your “heart” plans to
  go on.

• Do not force yourself to feel pain that’s not there. It is okay to enjoy
  life after loss.

    

References

The Grief Recovery Handbook by Joan James and Russell Friedman
(Harper Perennial, 1998).

Contact your local hospice or GriefNet at http://rivendell.org or http:
//divorce.internetworld.net.