Incentives that
Require Cooperation
 

The most common problem parents have with children occurs when the
child does not perform a required task. Not doing chores, taking medicine,
getting ready for bed, feeding pets, wearing seat belts, and doing
homework are prime examples of these “acts of omission.” Surprisingly,
punishments have very little power to motivate children to cooperate, but
fortunately, uncooperative, irresponsible behavior can easily be corrected
by making children an irresistible offer.

Which of the following statements is a punishment?

1.  “You can’t watch TV tonight because you didn’t put your clothes away.”
2.  “You can’t go skating next Friday because you did not put your clothes
     away.”
3.  “You can watch TV as soon as your clothes are put away.”

Statements 1 and 2 are punishments. Technically, a punishment is an
unpleasant consequence that cannot be avoided. The child has no control
over the outcome of the situation and the parent has to do all the enforcing.
Statement 3 is an irresistible incentive. The child can escape or avoid the
unpleasant consequence by performing the desired behavior. Privileges
are not taken away, they are only withheld until the task is performed.
Because the child has the option to avoid a nasty outcome, parents can
throw tremendous weight into the incentive:

You can watch TV (talk on the phone, eat snacks, go outside, finish playing
that game, have your prize collection of baseball cards back, listen to the
stereo, play video games, cuddle your “blankee,” go to bed, or continue
whatever else you are doing) after you have put away your clothes.

IRRESISTIBLE INCENTIVES

Irresistible incentives are guaranteed to work as long as parents withhold
privileges and immediately reward children as soon as they have
cooperated. If children vegetate to avoid doing a task, that is their choice.
Parents are wise to watch for potent moments in the day when an
irresistible incentive will have a speedy impact.

The following pointers will help parents set the most direct course for
success:

• Establish deadlines for starting chores before favorite TV shows,
  other desired activity, or snacks. Arrange fixed deadlines for starting
  routine chores.

• Use everyday events for deadlines. Don’t threaten to take away a
  special event next week.

• Pick deadlines that your can enforce. Don’t expect chores to be done
  before you get home from work, but offer rewards (see next page)
  when tasks are done on time.

• Give children time to mentally prepare themselves. For example, ask
  children to complete an unscheduled task during the next TV
  advertisement rather than telling them to do it right now.

• Don’t nag! When the deadline starts, enforce the consequence until
  the child cooperates.

• Use a timer to “announce” the deadline. This will ensure that you
  follow through.

• Use nonverbal communication as reminders. For example, hang a
  bag of things that need to be put away in front of the TV or stick a
  note on the TV screen explaining that the video control box will be
  returned once rooms have been cleaned.

• When a deadline isn’t available, be your child’s shadow, sing opera,
  hold his or her earlobe, or hug him or her until the task is started.

• Move the arms and legs of very young children like a puppet when
  they have not cooperated with a request by the count of 3.

• Ignore pouting and complaining as long as the child is performing the
  task. If you find it hard to do this, remove yourself from the scene.
  Discussions about the “unfairness” of a chore should take place after
  it is completed to avoid manipulation.

• In some cases, it is fine to delay the return of privileges until children
  are ready to perform the desired task. Save power struggles for
  essential issues.

• When children are upset about something other than their chores,
  they may be given the option of talking about what is bothering them
  before starting their work.

When a child’s responsibilities seem to unduly frustrate him or her, even
with the above approaches, it is important to investigate what might be
causing the difficulty: Is the child depressed and not motivated to do much
of anything? Does the child have an attention deficit disorder that makes it
difficult to complete a task without constant supervision? Does the child
know that he or she can “get away with things” because one or both
parents wish to avoid conflict? Is the chore unreasonable? Professional
assistance may be needed to identify these and other underlying problems.

NATURAL AND LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES

Whenever possible, use natural and logical consequences instead of
irresistible incentives. Older children who are supposed to do their own
laundry can run out of clean clothes until they are ready to put through a
wash. A child who doesn’t want his food can simply wait for the next
scheduled meal to eat and, perhaps, experience a little hunger. This is
much healthier than creating power struggles over food.

REWARDS

Rewards can give an extra boost to irresistible incentives and are helpful
for times of the day when powerful deadlines are not available. For example:

• A 5-year-old can be given a sticker for cleaning her room before the
  timer rings.

• “Purchase points” can be earned for being ready for school on time,
  to be used later to buy desired items.

• When chores are done before the parents get home, a child can
  expect a special treat.

• Children can report when they have hung up their towel or returned
  their glass to the sink for a prize.

Even when children earn rewards for being responsible without reminders,
it is still important to enforce deadlines with irresistible incentives for the
tasks they will inevitably forget. Use verbal rewards liberally. Describe what
you see and feel—”It’s such a relief to have the dishes done early!” Let
your children overhear you say positive things about them to other people—
”The kids surprised me and had everything put away before I got home.”
             

Reference

See Logical Consequences: A New Approach to Discipline by Roudolf
Dreikurs (NAL Dutton, 1993).