Inflexible Explosive Children
 

Some children never seem to outgrow the terrible twos. Although they only
appear happy and cooperative when they are getting their own way, they
may actually have trouble thinking through problems and shifting gears
from what they are doing to what others want them to do. This happens for
a variety of physical reasons, including:

                Physiology                                     Behavior

HELPING INFLEXIBLE-EXPLOSIVE CHILDREN

Discipline that stresses consistency, consequences and complimenting
good behavior works well with children whose ability to focus, plan,
anticipate, remember, and verbalize is maturing appropriately. Inflexible
children with little frustration tolerance need a low-stress approach that
teaches skills, prioritizes demands, and pre-empts explosions. This begins
when caretakers examine their own behavior. Mark items that you need to
concentrate on changing:

Self-examination.

• Are you taking misbehavior personally? Saying children are willful
  implies that they are intentionally being uncooperative. It is more
  likely that their low frustration tolerance and difficulty shifting gears
  cause problems with anger than “willfulness.”

• Do you, yourself, have problems with wanting things your way?
  Flexibility may be a genetic trait. Adults who can shift gears
  themselves will have an easier time finding a variety of responses to
  young people’s stubborn behavior. Even rigid adults are generally
  more flexible than problem children.

• Do you have a realistic image of your children? Are you expecting
  them to do things that they currently can not consistently perform?

Prevent problems.

Develop strategies for difficult times: Use deadlines that carry weight.
Children are far more likely to pick up their things before they can watch TV
than prior to leaving for school. Give ample time to switch gears! Negotiate
a starting time and then act—Pick up the telephone extension, turn off the
TV, or take away a toy.

Teach skills: Ask yourself, “Why is this hard for my child?” “What is getting
in his way?” “How can I help?” Break large tasks into small ones. Assist or
monitor task completion—“What do you need to do next?”

Gently point out flaws in beliefs and behaviors—“I know you think I’m
always mad but I was really pleased when you . . . .” “When you  . . . I feel  .
. . and don’t want to . . . .”

Prioritize struggles.

Nonnegotiable issues include safety, school, and basic responsibilities. Ask
your-self, “Is this issue important enough for a power struggle? Is my child
capable of performing what I’m asking consistently? Do I have control over
the behavior?” Saving your authority for essential issues will actually give
you more credibility.

Negotiable issues are not important enough for a major power struggle but
are still a high priority. Reaching a compromise is not giving in. It teaches
children to see others’ views, generate solutions, and think things through.
Both the parent and child state, “I want . . .  because . . . ”; repeat each
other’s position; and generate mutually satisfying solutions. Differences
diminish when people turn resentments into requests.
Unimportant issues are not worth power struggles or negotiation. They
include behaviors parents don’t like but are not eminently harmful—ice
cream for breakfast, appearance, and beliefs. As children learn skills, more
items can be negotiated.

Pre-empt explosions.

Empathize: Understand what is upsetting children and show it. Label and
rate feelings—“How disappointed, frustrated, or annoyed are you?” Use
numerical or color codes. Zero or green means calm and ten or red means
boiling mad.

Use descriptive language: Say, “You’re having trouble seeing options
right now,” rather than, “You’re being stubborn.” Be careful of sarcasm,
assuming, mind reading, predicting catastrophes, and getting off track.
Model self-control.

Think things through: Instead of trying to convince children to see your
point, first consider what they want and the logical extension of their
desires—“That might be a good idea. Show me how you would do that.
What will happen after you . . . ?”

Distract: Tell a joke or take a break in the early stages of frustration—
“Why don’t you talk to your friend or shoot some baskets while I think about
this.” Encouraging children to do something they enjoy breaks the tension
and helps them think clearly.

Downshift: Do a little bit of what the child wants and gradually switch over
to your agenda—“I’d like my beeper back as soon as you finish pressing
that button.” “You can find a toy to carry with you in the store, but we’ll
return it before we check out.”

Restore coherence when children lose control.

Stop negotiating when it is deadlocked. People cannot think during angry
outbursts. Take a break and don’t pursue children who run to their rooms
and slam doors.

Do not personalize cursing or back talk. Later, you can ask children to
express what they said appropriately before they become involved in a
desired activity.


Reference

Fully described in The Explosive Child by Ross Green, Ph.D. (New York:
HarperCollins, 1998)