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The dance of communication has three steps: showing understanding; 
asserting your feelings, wants, and limits; and defusing abusive remarks.

• Rephrase others’ thoughts, empathize with their feelings, and 
  validate the factors that contribute to those feelings.

• State your emotions in a sentence that starts with “I,” make requests 
  that start with the word “Would,” and take actions that back up your 
  desires and limits.

• Treat cruel comments with kindness, ask questions that identify the 
  distress that contributes to insults, and use “hypnotic” words that 
  subtly suggest desirable behavior.

 

If the steps of the “communication dance” are difficult for you, it may be 
because you are hearing the wrong music. Thoughts such as “I have to 
make others understand,” “My feelings aren’t important,” and “I must never 
appear weak or lose” are sure to make you trip. To discover any thoughts 
that are making you stumble, ask yourself:

• What does it mean about me when other people order, yell, 
  complain, or blame?

• What do I think about myself when I express my feelings?

• How do cutting comments make me feel about myself

Directions: Check off any of the thoughts in the left-hand column that you 
have in your worse moments. Then, check off the beliefs in the right-hand 
column that you would like to have when communication is difficult.

1.  I have trouble listening because I think:		1. I can listen when I believe:
___	I have to keep others happy, fix their problems, convince them, etc.	___	I can understand others without having to fix them.
___	If I don’t retaliate or defend myself, I’m weak, a loser, etc.	___	My power comes from understanding others, not from being understood.
2.  It’s difficult to express myself when I think:		2.  I can express myself when I believe:
___	My feelings, wants, and limits aren’t important.	___	My feelings and desires need to be known to reach long-lasting, satisfying solutions.
___	If others get upset, it’s my fault. I’m a troublemaker or difficult.	___	I’m responsible for my own reactions and others are responsible for theirs.
___	If others get upset, it’s my fault. I’m a troublemaker or difficult.	3.  I can defuse abuse when I believe:
3.  I have trouble defusing abuse       when I think:		___	I have the right to make mistakes, be illogical, or have mixed emotions.
___	If I make mistakes, break some rules, or change my mind, I’m a failure, defective, or a terrible person.	___	I can learn from mistakes.
___	I’m trapped, powerless, and helpless.	___	I have choices.
		___	I can handle this.

Identifying communication-enhancing phrases and affirming them regularly 
will give you the confidence you need to show understanding, express 
yourself effectively, and defuse verbal abuse. Surprisingly, you do not have 
to feel good about yourself to communicate powerfully. But the first time you 
take the tiniest step toward “power communication,” you will feel good about 
yourself!

See EMDR:
The Breakthrough Therapy by Francine Shapiro (Basic 
Books, 1997) or  A Guide to Rational Living by Ellis (Wilshire Book Co., 
1997) for further ideas on how thoughts affect emotions.