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More important than the beliefs you have about child rearing are the 
thoughts you have about yourself. If you have difficulty using child-rearing 
skills or if they don’t seem to be working, your beliefs about yourself may be 
getting in the way. To discover thoughts that can cause glitches in taking 
action ask yourself:

• When my children misbehave, what do I think about myself?
  
  
• When did I first have this disturbing thought about myself?
  
  
• How do my children “make me” feel when they act up?

Directions: Mark any of the following thoughts that come to you when your 
children misbehave. Then, mark any of the beliefs you would like to have 
when your children upset you.

Change Thoughts That Hurt into. . . Beliefs That Help Parenting Skills
I am bad, inadequate or not good enough. I am weak, unimportant, or not in  control. I may be abandoned if I upset my  child. I have to keep others happy or I’m a  failure.	I am still a good parent when my  child misbehaves. I can take action to respond to my  child’s misbehavior. I can take care of myself while my  child is upset. I am still a good parent when my  child is upset with me.

Negative beliefs that interfere with parenting skills are not actually caused 
by your child but were instilled from early life experiences that cause two 
opposite reactions:

• Yelling, blaming, or losing control often come from trying to avoid the 
  awful, helpless, inadequate feelings that occur when your children do 
  not do as you’ve asked.

• Sinking, unlovable feelings that happen when children are angry 
  suggest that you may have little ability to avoid thoughts that hurt 
  and find that they overwhelm you.

 

CHANGING NEGATIVE BELIEFS

The first step to changing negative beliefs is to identify positive thoughts 
you want to have about yourself when your children misbehave. When your 
children are not causing difficulty, positive beliefs may seem completely 
true. It will be harder to have this belief when children disobey. To begin to 
change thinking patterns that rob you of your confidence, start keeping a 
journal of upsetting incidents.

EMPOWERMENT

You don’t have to wait to acquire positive beliefs about yourself to act 
powerfully, but you may have to act powerfully to begin to realize that these 
beliefs are valid. The latter “wakes up” an inner confidence that makes 
discipline effective and reserves time for enjoying children. The power that 
is discovered is “power from within” or empowerment of personal abilities, 
flexibility, and self-control. It is not “power over,” which elicits hidden 
resentments and domination. Truly powerful parents can:

• Listen to their children’s complaints and dissatisfactions because 
  they judge themselves by their own standards, not by their children’s 
  or others’ opinions.

• Consider their children’s ideas before making rules and decisions 
  because they extract useful ideas from opposing views without being 
  unduly swayed.

• Stand by their convictions and also admit when they are wrong.

• Control their own lives and, therefore, do not have to control their 
  children’s lives.

• Permit their children to have different interests and beliefs from their 
  own because they do not need a clone to confirm their own identity.

• Allow their children to make mistakes because they know they have 
  gained wisdom from their own.

 

POWER WITH

“Power with” is the power of strong equals to suggest and to listen. A 
powerful spouse takes time to work through any disagreements over child 
rearing without giving in or insisting on her way, knowing that a higher truth 
can be reached by thoroughly understanding the other person’s position. 
She encourages her partners to listen by listening first! When she sees her 
spouse’s taking unconstructive action, she insists on taking time to discuss 
their differences, focusing first on understanding his efforts before 
questioning them. A powerful spouse can handle two particularly difficult 
challenges:

Stepparents:

• Do not take over for spouses who allow themselves to be bullied or 
  manipulated. Instead, they act as a sounding board to help partners 
  clarify their rules and limits and help them think of actions that they 
  are willing to take to enforce decisions.

• Do not step in as an authority until their partner’s leadership is firmly 
  established and the stepchildren have bonded to them. They are 
  comfortable allowing the birth parent to do the majority of the 
  discipline and mainly assumes this role when he or she is physically 
  absent.

• Offer a special relationship to their stepchildren as a guide, mentor, 
  or wise friend because they are not encumbered by an authority role.

 

Divorced spouses:

• Make a special attempt to maintain a relationship as parents. This 
  may mean redoubling all of the above efforts in order to act in best 
  interests of the children.

• Put aside past resentments and desires to change the ex-spouses. 
  Understanding is the priority and is used to reach satisfying solutions.

  
  

Armed with the above beliefs that you are a good, powerful, loveable 
person and information about all the ways you can require cooperation, 
encourage obedience, and reduce anger, you will succeed in being the 
parent you have always wanted to be.


Reference

See EMDR: The Breakthrough Therapy by Francine Shapiro (Basic Books, 
1997) for further ideas on how thoughts affect emotions.