The Dance of Deflection
Tension is expected during conflicts of interest. But, when you are caught
off guard by a verbal snipe, wounds can cut especially deep. Rude remarks
may come from misguided efforts to enhance self-esteem by making others
look bad, cries for attention, generalized anger that is spewed at the
nearest recipient, or impossible demands for perfection and control.
Attempts to understand others and requests for change may do little to
squelch a sniper’s fire. When dealing with these potshots, it is necessary to
take communication to a place where few people have traveled before—to
learn a verbal aikido that can neutralize the worst insult. Instead of
responding to a verbal attack with an anticipated retaliation, defense, or
withdrawal, a technique called bully busting gives you at least 16 ways to
turn insults inside out.
TURN KILLER WORDS INTO KINDNESS WITH PUT-UPS
Change put-downs into put-ups and act as if nothing offensive is
happening. This is based on the idea that it is worse to take offense than to
give offense. Cruelty can be turned into kindness when you:
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Agree in fact, in theory, or hypothetically to stop power struggles.
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Give compliments to make it difficult for someone to continue being
rude.
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Act as if you’ve been complimented: “Thank you. What a sweet thing
to say.”
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Find golden nuggets or some actual truth in the worst insult: “Thanks
for trying so hard to help me. I know I could (possibly) be more . . .”
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Dramatize the very insult that has been given: “Am I really a baby
(whining)?”
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Use a mean tone to say something harmless with a tone twister that
releases frustration and adds confusion: “Your opinion is none of my
business!”
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Use reverse psychology to encourage people to change their course:
“That was quite a put-down. Let’s see what you can do with the zit on
my nose or the scab on my ankle."
ELICIT THE CAUSES AND EFFECTS OF INTIMIDATION
Intimidators need to be encouraged to focus their attention inward instead
of blaming or ridiculing. This is essential when cutting remarks are an
expression of anger. You can help people discover the source of their
distress when you make statements or ask questions that:
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Label feelings to recognize troubling emotions and help the other
person let them go.
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Sympathize to kill insults with understanding: “You must have had a
hard day to be so upset.”
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Focus on the process (of what someone is doing) and away from the
content of the remark: “I wonder why you would want to make me feel
bad?” “How disappointed are you in me?”
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Express your own feelings and limits when a comment hurts too much
to deflect: “Now I feel thoroughly rotten. I’ll talk to you later when you
can be a tad kinder.”
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GROUND INSULTS WITH LIGHTNING RODS OR “POWER WORDS”
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In moments of confusion, people can be redirected to change
negative habits. You can apply confusion and subtle suggestion to
promote desirable behavior by using hypnotic wording:
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“Try” blocks people from continuing what they are doing—“You’re
trying so hard to be upsetting. I hope it isn’t too tiring.”
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“Dare” pushes people to do something they are reluctant to do: “I just
dare you to say something pleasant!”
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“But” erases everything that proceeds it. It is especially effective
when followed by an unexpected compliment: “Well I may be . . . , but
you look great!”
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Unrelated comments (non sequiturs) help people disconnect from
troubling remarks and add confusion: “When the carcass is ripe, you
can pick it (crazy tone).”
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Humor shows that little importance should be placed on cruel
comments by using the absurd, silly, and ridiculous.
WHY BOTHER?
Defusing abuse exercises your mind and is more fun than simply ignoring
nasty comments. Children are often advised to pay no mind to bullies. Such
tactics can leaves scars on bitten tongues. Standing up for yourself by
making requests of people with whom you are not in a relationship can
inspire them to do the opposite. Even family members and your closest
buddies may not have the energy to resolve conflicts when they are feeling
grumpy. Bully busts add considerable variety to your repertoire of verbal
skills. It may be necessary to lighten the mood before you can have your
needs met. Any comment that takes tension out of the air is sure to be a
bully bust. Blaming, sarcasm, complaining, advice, and orders perpetuate a
vicious cycle. With bully busts, you can bring random acts of kindness into
the very cradle of cruelty.