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If your partner is constantly pouring out emotions, you may have become 
tired of listening. When one person is stoic, the other may carry all the 
worry, anger, or grief for the relationship. When reserved people shut 
others out, their partners feel compelled to try to get through to them. If the 
less emotional person learns to show understanding, there can be an 
infusion of love, romance, and even sexuality into a relationship. The 
following steps can begin to reverse this painful pattern:

• You only need to understand your partner: When he or she is upset, 
  take a deep breath and remember: you don’t have to take the blame 
  for problems or “fix” them.

• Show your interest by asking questions and making listening noises: 
  “Uh huh.”

• Show you understand by rephrasing, labeling feelings, and validating 
  factors that contribute to emotions: “Are you saying . . . ?” “It sounds 
  like you’re feeling . . .” “It makes sense you would feel . . . because . ."

• Welcome tears: They can help the healing process. Offering your 
  hand or arm can help release painful feelings. Do not discourage 
  people from crying.

• Do not invalidate feelings by saying, “You shouldn’t feel that way,” 
  “Don’t worry about it,” or “I understand.” (Show you understand.)

• Do not express your viewpoint until you feedback your partner’s 
  ideas.

• Do not offer solutions: Even if your partner asks you what to do, find 
  out his or her ideas first. Pretend you are not sure what to do until 
  your partner comes up with a plan.

• When you disagree with your partner’s views, ask how he or she 
  reached that conclusion before you say anything. Point out what is 
  good about such thinking even when it differs from your own. Do not 
  agree just to pacify your partner. You do not have to agree to 
  understand.

• When you don’t have the attention to listen, ask for a time-out. 
  Assure your partner that he or she will have your full attention later 
  and be sure to follow through.

DISTRESS BETWEEN PARTNERS

When your partner is upset with you, it can be especially difficult to follow 
the above strategies. In many relationships, people become stuck in 
parent/child roles, in which one person is critical and the other defensive. 
Be your own judge and strive to meet your own standards. This will free you 
to be more understanding and even playful in the face of your partner’s 
disapproval. If you have been so beaten down that you’ve lost self-
confidence, get help, because you must learn to feel good about yourself 
or you will always be at the mercy of critics. At times, both partners can be 
emotional and attacking. Each one is trying so hard to get his or her point 
across that neither is listening and the situation escalates. Generally, the 
person experiencing the lesser amount of distress will find it easier to break 
this cycle. After using the above strategies, you can fine-tune them with the 
following:

• Label any disappointment your partner may be feeling: “You are 
  disappointed with me because. . . .” This will greatly reduce the 
  intensity of the attack.

• Give yourself the right to make mistakes so that you can take an 
  honest look at yourself. Understand your shortcomings rather than 
  condemn yourself.

• Agree with any part of a criticism that is true, even if it is too harsh. 
  Or admit to how you may have contributed to a problem. Agreeing 
  with possible truths will take the wind out of a critic’s sails.

• If you have done something wrong, express your remorse and 
  concentrate on sympathizing with your partner’s distress rather than 
  apologizing for your behavior.

• Come up with a plan for specific changes that you are willing to 
  make: Express your desire to change rather than make false 
  promises.

• If you are “in the doghouse” for something you did wrong, 
  acknowledge what you did and give a little extra.

• Decide whether your partner’s standards are right for you after 
  carefully considering his or her complaint. Be willing to change some 
  things about yourself but not everything.

• If you decide not to comply with your partner’s requests, be sincerely 
  sympathetic: “It must be hard for you when I don’t act the way you 
  want.”

• Help your partner become aware of his or her behavior in a 
  lighthearted way: “You’re trying so hard to improve me”; “I hope you’
  re not charging too much for this educational moment”; “It really 
  helps me sharpen my viewpoint when we disagree.”

• If your partner tends to be too much of a caretaker, take 
  responsibility for giving more. Look for little things you can do, rather 
  than think that your paycheck or buying expensive items are enough. 
  Ask, “Is there anything I can do?”

• If your partner is passive and quietly resentful, find out what his or 
  her preferences are before making any decisions about what to do or 
  how to spend money. Reach compromises or take turns. Don’t 
  always give in or try to get your way.

• f your partner brings up “old” issues, empathize and investigate what 
  is triggering it this time. This will relieve some of the frustration of 
  having to go over it again. Often, people have to release their 
  feelings with a compassionate listener several times before they can 
  let go of a concern or get to the underlying problem.

EXPLOSIONS

When your partner’s distress is approaching an explosion, it is easy to feel 
helpless. The first step to regaining your power is to understand that 
people usually feel powerless when they are yelling. They think the only 
way they will ever be heard is by raising their voice. When others withdraw 
or argue back, shouting becomes louder. Several strategies can change 
this pattern. Practice different approaches and use the one that works best 
for you:

• If you can, tell your partner that you will talk when he or she is 
  calmer, and leave the room or house. Do something to soothe 
  yourself and be sure to follow up later!

• Focus on your partner and make listening noises if you cannot leave 
  or if you do have the strength to withstand the storm. Do not try to 
  talk yourself. While you’re looking at your partner, keep asking 
  yourself, “What is really hurting him or her?”

• Show that you understand your partner’s point when you see an 
  opening.

• Do not try to reason or disagree with people who are fuming, 
  because in that frame of mind they are unable to consider others’ 
  ideas. After your partner has felt completely understood, he or she 
  may be more capable of understanding you.

• Do not tolerate physical abuse: You may need to separate from your 
  partner until he or she is involved in therapy and demonstrates a 
  commitment to making changes. Do not count on promises.
  

    
Reference
See The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman 
(Crown Publishers, 1999) for more information on resolving relationship 
conflict.