You may handle family pressure by trying to conform or by divorcing 
yourself emotionally. However, there is an alternative. You can learn how to 
express your differences or differentiate without getting caught in conflicts 
or abandoning your significant others. Once you’ve left home, the best 
place to reclaim the freedom to be yourself is with the family that raised you 
because:

• When you are away from home, you will have time to evaluate your 
  interactions with family members, regain a sense of yourself, and 
  plan future strategies.

• Attachments to spouses, bosses, and associates often mimic early 
  entanglements and will automatically change as you develop a new 
  style of being with your parents.

• Your ability to be your own person is determined by how well you 
  have resolved issues with your parents and the degree to which your 
  parents are differentiated.

METHODS FOR DIFFERENTIATING WITHIN YOUR FAMILY

1.     Separate, person-to-person relationships: Develop an
individual relationship with each parent instead of dealing with
them as a unit.

• Correspond with each parent separately instead of writing Dear-Mom-
  and-Dad letters.

• Have individual telephone conversations instead of talking with both 
  parents on extension lines.

• Balance the time you spend with each parent alone during family 
  visits. Talk about subjects of interest that do not involve others. 
  Stories of past family history, ancestry, philosophies of life, and 
  beliefs are all good topics: “What was it like for you when we were 
  little and Daddy was gone a lot?” “What was your most embarrassing 
  or proudest moment?” “What upset you when you were a child?”

2.     The I position: When conflicts emerge in the family, your goal is
to state your position and underscore the fact that there are        
differences in the family. There are few opportunities to take the I
position during periods of calm. Deaths, serious illnesses, family
gatherings, weddings, divorces, and disclosure of secrets often
spawn issues that are fertile opportunities to differentiate. Openly
define where you stand on an issue, what you want, and what
you intend to do without defending yourself, attacking, or
withdrawing:

• “I won’t be getting a prenuptial agreement, even though that may be 
  unwise.”

• “I don’t agree with your position on premarital sex, and I’ll be glad to 
  keep the details of my weekend plans private if you find them too 
  disturbing.”

• “When you give me unsolicited advice, I feel too resentful to consider it.”

3.     Neutralizing attacks: After stating your position, it helps to
anticipate a series of reactions from your family. This backlash is
so important that if it does not happen, you may not have made a
successful attempt at differentiation! Initially, family members may
be surprised, hurt, or angry and label your ideas crazy,
irresponsible, or immoral. Then they will do their best to convince
you to change your mind. When this does not work, they may
threaten to disown you, but these accusations will probably reach
a peak and then subside. Finally, the family will come to respect
and appreciate your convictions. “Surviving” expressions of
individuality will help all family members differentiate. The hardest
part of this task is to maintain contact while under fire.

Murray Bowen’s ideas on differentiation are summarized in Family Therapy 
in Clinical Practice (Jason Aronson, 1978).

Making a casual, empathic response will empower you and can defuse 
nonstop tirades. For example, if you are told that you are ungrateful, you 
can:

• Agree (in theory): “I could be more grateful.”

• Act as if you’ve been complimented: “Is that a bad thing?” or simply 
  say, “Thank you.”

• Exaggerate the attack: “I’m very selfish as well.”

• Use reverse psychology: “Maybe you should try harder to reform me.”

• Label feelings: “You sound very disappointed in me.”

• Validate feelings: “It makes sense that you’d think I’m ungrateful 
  because I do not call as much as you’d like.”

• Sympathize: “My ways sound difficult for you.”

When you truly give up seeking approval, other’s judgments will not hurt 
you. However, if you cannot remain calm, state that you will revisit the 
discussion later. It is important to resume contact as soon as you are able 
to show that asserting independence is not the same thing as rejection.

4.     The neutral stance: Even when you are not involved in a conflict
between two family members, you can use their disagreement
as an opportunity to differentiate by simply understanding the
difference in each person’s position. This takes you out of a
judging position, demonstrates tolerance for varying viewpoints,
and minimizes the chance for alliances to form. The following
situations suggest ways to stay neutral without retreating:

• Practice the neutral stance in circumstances that are not emotionally 
  charged: Start with conflicts between young children or siblings 
  before the challenge of staying neutral with your parents or when you 
  have strong biases toward one person.

• If you find yourself reacting negatively to one party, spend time alone 
  with that person until you can understand his or her position.

• Handle gossip by breaking confidences: Ask the “gossipee,” “Why do 
  you allow such stories to be told about you?” This will anger the 
  gossiper, force the family to deal more directly with each other, and 
  give you an opportunity to make a casual comment to any attacks: 
  “With a little bit of practice, I’m sure you could develop as big a mouth 
  as mine.”

• Avoid alliances by exposing them when you sense someone is trying 
  to get you to take sides: “Mom and I have been plotting how to get 
  everyone over this impasse.”

Rehearsing possible interactions and writing a script for taking the I position 
or the neutral stance can help. However, discussing your plans with a family 
member establishes an alliance and hinders efforts to differentiate.