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Not all relationship problems result from unhealthy patterns of interaction. 
Sometimes, one person has a disorder that has a direct impact on his or 
her partner. The better a spouse is able to recognize such disorders, the 
less chance there is of intensifying them. Mark any of the problems 
described below that may be affecting your relationship.

DISORDERS

Chemical dependency is one of the most common problems affecting 
relationships. It often goes unrecognized because the substance abuser is 
still able to work and is competent in many ways. Spouses who have been 
accused of being too tense or unreasonable often think they are 
overreacting. The truth is that whenever someone else’s use of drugs or 
alcohol is a problem for you, it is time to get help! Self-help groups such as 
AL-ANON and NAR-ANON address many of the problems non-using 
spouses face. Telephone listings for these organizations are found in most 
community phone books.

Sexual compulsions are another kind of addiction that have a tremendous 
impact on relationships. Normal differences in sex drive and interest can 
usually be worked out through empathy and good communication; but, 
when one person has a sexual compulsion, he or she can make demands 
or show interests outside the home that have a devastating impact on the 
relationship. Learn to recognize the signs of sexual addiction:

• A person feels compelled to have sex repeatedly within a short time 
  period.

• Sexual activity becomes the only or main way a person has to relax 
  or feel loved.

• Sexual interests cause a person to feel empty or remorseful 
  afterward.

• Pursuit of sex interferes with family life, friendships, work, or school.

• Partners are pushed to engage in unwanted sexual activity.

• Contact with one’s spouse is replaced by such sexual activities as 
  masturbation, pornography, chat rooms, massage parlors, telephone 
  sex, or affairs.

Realizing that your partner’s sexual preoccupations have little to do with 
how much he or she loves you can free you from feeling unloved or 
inadequate. Take a firm but sympathetic approach by standing up for what 
is right for you sexually and setting limits on what you will not tolerate.

Sexual dysfunctions such as premature ejaculation, impotence, sexual 
aversion, underactive interest, underarousal, and inhibited orgasm can also 
cause relationship problems. Usually, these conditions are more easily 
recognized than sexual compulsions and there is less confusion about who 
needs help. If your partner has such a problem, it is important to realize that 
it is not a reflection of your attractiveness and that you cannot solve it by 
badgering him or her to be more sexual. If you are unable to resolve sexual 
differences on your own, persistently request that you and your partner 
seek help.

Obsessions and compulsions that are nonsexual also affect relationships. 
When a person is overconcerned with safety, tidiness, germs, and order, 
the whole household can be affected. Feeling as though you can never 
meet your partner’s standards may be an indicator that an obsession is 
operating. Seek help to distinguish between obsessions and standards that 
fall within the normal range. Let your partner know that compulsions can be 
treated with medication and therapy. Even if your partner won’t get help, 
recognizing obsessions for what they are will relieve you of the pressure of 
trying to satisfy them.

Depression and moodiness may go undetected in their milder forms. Your 
partner may be tired, withdrawn, unmotivated, and have little sexual desire. 
You may feel rejected or frustrated with this lack of initiative. At other times, 
your partner may show increased interest in sex, spending money, 
traveling, business ventures, new projects, religion, or talking, and cause 
you real concerns about his or her poor judgment. It is important to know 
that mood disorders are biochemical in nature and are very treatable. 
Assure your partner that feelings of hopelessness or (unrealistic) fears of 
losing “high energy” are part of the disorder and encourage him or her to 
seek help. Recognizing mood disorders for what they are will help you have 
more realistic expectations and develop your own sources of support for 
periods when your partner has little to offer.

Attention deficit (ADD) and hyperactive disorders (ADHD) are often 
missed in adults. One partner’s forgetfulness, disorganization, distractibility, 
impulsiveness, moodiness, restlessness, and temper may cause the other 
to become increasingly critical. The person with ADD withdraws, criticism 
mounts, and the added stress increases symptoms. Often, spontaneous 
ADD people and organized perfectionists are drawn to each other because 
they seek what they lack in themselves. This can greatly compound 
problems.
             
Personality disorders can significantly impair relationships and 
employment. People with this problem have a self-image that is dependent 
on the actions of others. They scrutinize their partner to find out if they are 
loveable, good enough, or safe. Their ability to look inside themselves for 
the cause of distress is limited, and they avoid painful emotions with anger, 
blame, distancing, fantasy, or addictions. In a no-win fashion, they vacillate 
between feeling abandoned or suffocated, thinking they’re superior or 
worthless, and fearing intimacy or isolation. Two personality disorders are 
especially toxic to relationships:

• Erratic personalities seem to have stormy relationships with 
  everyone. They may be unpredictable, engage in self-destructive 
  behavior, act impulsively, avoid being alone, change moods wildly in 
  just a few hours, and think in extremes (good/bad, black/white). At 
  the same time, their passion and intensity can (initially) make them 
  enticing. If your spouse has such a problem, it helps to avoid the 
  extremes of withdrawing from or trying to control him or her. Over 
  time, he or she may become more moderate. Long-term therapy and 
  medication can help these people achieve more stability.

• Defiant personalities have so little empathy for others and knowledge 
  of right and wrong that fulfilling relationships (and therapy) are 
  impossible. They may relate to others only to get sex, money, or 
  power and be irresponsible, unlawful, violent, aggressive, impulsive, 
  dishonest, reckless, or unfaithful. The more pronounced these traits 
  are, the less hope there is of change. Because they know how to 
  charm and con people, it may be difficult to face how destructive a 
  relationship with them can be. The spouses of such people need to 
  face their own addiction to control or “save” their partner.