Effective Expression
Often, it seems that the harder you try to have your needs met, the less
successful you are. Instead of inviting others to listen and cooperate, you
may drive them away with complaints, attacks, lectures, or orders. To get
what you want, you need to take your attention off others and focus on
yourself—your feelings, wants, and limits.
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State your feelings by using the word “I” and naming an emotion: “I
feel hopeless when you constantly criticize me.” This is a constructive
way to express feelings and furnishes others with information about
the effects of their behavior. Saying “I think you should . . .” is an
opinion that can make others stop listening or strike back. “I feel that
you . . .” disguises opinions as feelings. “You make me feel . . .” is
blaming.
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Make requests by asking questions: “Would you tell me something I’ve done well before you criticize me?” Even when people understand
how you feel, they still may not know what to do. It is up to you to
identify what you would like from them. It helps to list three things
others can do to resolve issues. Saying “I would like you to . . .” is a
statement and does not require a commitment. “Could you . . . ?”
asks if others are able and implies that if they can do something, they
should. “Would you . . . ?” gives others the freedom to say “No” while
encouraging cooperation.
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Set limits by knowing what you are willing and not willing to do: “I will
act hard of hearing when you don’t say something kind before you
complain.” If others do not respond to your requests or offer
acceptable solutions of their own, it is time to stop talking and act.
Actions can be playful, like the one above, or adamant: “If you
continue to yell, I will leave for an hour.” Often, it is unnecessary to
state your limits out loud. When others can sense that you will take
action, they are more responsive.
Complaints, criticisms, and orders focus on others and start with the word
“You.” Instead, turn useless “you messages” into words that work.
INTROSPECT TO IDENTIFY YOUR FEELINGS, WANTS, AND LIMITS
The more shades and intensities with which you express your emotions, the
better you will be understood. Often, it is important to dig for more painful
feelings of fear and hurt that lie beneath surface anger:
Making requests is especially hard for people who have never given
themselves permission to have wants and desires. They may be concerned
that their requests will be refused or that others will comply out of obligation
instead of desire. If your requests are refused, you are no worse off than if
you had not asked at all. It can actually help people further their
development when they reluctantly cooperate. It is unfair to require people
to want to do things they are willing to do.
PREPARE PEOPLE TO LISTEN
Before you can even begin to make your point, you may first have to
prepare others to listen. This is especially true when others are angry,
talkative, or controlling. Often, it is necessary to listen first! Show you
understand by rephrasing others’ thoughts, recognizing their feelings, and
validating factors that contribute to those feelings. Withhold your own ideas
until others become curious about where you stand. Then you can help
them focus their attention on you:
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Ask suggestive questions before making your point: “Do you want to
know my concerns, what I want, if I agree? Are you sure?” This helps
others switch gears and put on their listening hats.
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Keep your points brief and frequently ask for a rephrase: “Am I
making any sense? What does it sound like I’m saying? You’ve
almost got it. Do you want to know the part that’s missing?”
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Help others understand your feelings by asking: “I’m not sure what I’
m feeling. Do you know?” “Can you help me understand why I might
feel that way?”
Not only will the above questions encourage others to focus on you, they
will help you look at yourself. Intently listening to others can clarify any
differences between you and make communication more efficient and
effective.