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Gender Gap Facts Checklist

Directions: Discuss each of the following generalizations about men and 
women with your partner to find out if any apply to your relationship:

• Men are goal-oriented and depend on achievements for self-esteem.

• Women are relationship oriented and can overcome fears of being 
  unlovable by doing for others. Self-esteem often depends on being 
  involved with someone.

 

• Men value success, autonomy, independence, efficiency, and 
  competence.

• Women value sharing, nurturing, supporting others, and being 
  considerate.

 

• Men need acceptance, admiration, appreciation, encouragement, 
  and faith in their ability.

• Women need understanding, interest, concern, reassurance, 
  devotion, loyalty, commitment, and respect for their ideas and feeling.

 

• Men want the right to be free and often withdraw after periods of 
  closeness to meet needs for autonomy. They may fear becoming 
  dependent or need time alone to take a break from feeling 
  responsible. Even irresponsible men rebel against an inner pull to 
  take care of everything. Irritability or withdrawal is a sign that a man 
  needs his “space.”

• Women want the right to be upset and need to release emotions to 
  be loving. They get depleted from giving, “hit bottom”, and go all the 
  way into the depths of their feelings before they can “come up.” A 
  women may reexperience hopelessness, insecurity, and resentment 
  over and over until she gets the understanding she needs. Talking in 
  absolutes (“We never . . .” “You always. . .”) is a sign that a woman 
  has hit bottom.

 

• Men release tension through activity: watching TV, driving, sports, or 
  exercise. They become “entranced” with activity and use it to cleanse 
  their minds of troubling thoughts.

• Women release tension through talking and crying. They talk to 
  understand what upsets them and then they let it go. They cleanse 
  their minds through releasing emotion.

 

• Men need to withdraw to think about what is bothering them, or they 
  put their difficulties aside with activity (see above). Feelings are not 
  part of a man’s problem-solving style so he is likely to tell a woman, 
  “You shouldn’t feel that way.”

• Women seek a sounding board to process feelings that are flooding 
  them. Solutions can interfere with emotional discharge but come 
  automatically after releasing feelings.

 

• Men favor getting help as a last resort and talk about problems to 
  find solutions or to place blame. Their pet peeve is being offered 
  unsolicited advice.

• Women seek help at the first sign of or before a problem occurs to 
  make sure they are on the right track. Their pet peeve is being given 
  solutions instead of understanding.

 

• Men often ignore others’ problems unless they have been asked for 
  help. In their world, it’s rude to offer help without being asked 
  because that would imply the other person was incompetent. When a 
  woman talks to a man about her problems, he assumes he is being 
  asked for advice or that he is being blamed, so he will offer solutions 
  or defend himself.

• Women monitor others’ problems to see if they are okay, offer help 
  without being asked, and worry about how others are doing.

 

• Men give what they think is fair and assume women will do the same. 
  They give only when asked and focus on big things such as paying 
  rent or buying a car rather than little things like compliments or hugs. 
  Even if a man is aware that a woman is in need, he may not know 
  what to do unless he is told and avoid giving because it might not be 
  “good enough.” Men need women to train them how to give and to 
  appreciate any evidence of change.

• Women give freely without being asked and assume that men will do 
  the same.

 

• Men are comfortable saying “No” because they give only what they 
  think is fair. The more freedom a man has to say “No,” the more likely 
  he is to say “Yes.” Men assume that when a woman says “Yes” or 
  agrees to do something, she wants to do it.

• Women can have difficulty saying “No.” They may say “Yes” even 
  when something is difficult and give up their preferences to 
  accommodate others. When women do say “No,” they may feel 
  inclined to justify themselves with long lists of reasons.

 

• Men can ask for what they want and have many models of being 
  served. Because some men feel entitled, they tend to give orders 
  instead of asking. Men assume a woman’s needs are being met 
  unless she asks for what she wants.

• Women can have difficulty asking for what they want because of their 
  training as caregivers. They may justify their needs and ask for 
  things in indirect ways—”This needs to be done . . .” “Could you . . ?” 
  Women often assume that if a man loves her, he will know what she 
  wants without being told.

 

• Men can be resistant to therapy or making changes in themselves 
  when they think they aren’t being accepted as they are. Their motto 
  is: If it’s not broken, don’t fix it!

• Women frequently look for ways to improve themselves and enjoy 
  having “makeovers.” Their motto is: Even if something works well, it 
  can always be improved.

 

• Men are inspired to be loving when they feel needed. To be loving, 
  men must overcome their desire for self-gratification.

• Women are motivated to be loving when they feel nurtured. To feel 
  cared about, they must overcome their “need” to take care of others. 
  Women are afraid to stop giving because they might not “have 
  enough to offer.”

 

• Men flee (withdraw) or fight (blame, criticize, yell). They typically start 
  fights by invalidating a woman’s feelings—”It’s not important . . . Don’t 
  worry.” When hurt, a man may hold things against a woman, give her 
  “penalty points,” punish her, or get even.

• Women fold (give in) or fake it (pretend they’re not upset until they’re 
  overwhelmed). They start fights with questions—”How could you . . . ? Why do you always . . . ? “They interrogate with a negative tone of 
  voice although they’re actually trying to teach.

 

• Men can be more comfortable with aggression than with sadness, 
  hurt, fear, or guilt.

• Women can get stuck feeling hurt to avoid being mad. Resentments 
  build up from suppressing anger.

Reference
These “facts” are adapted from Men Are from Mars, Women Are from 
Venus by John Gray (HarperCollins, 1992).