Listening Pointers
Listening is not a passive sport. The following pointers show how to focus
your attention so you can listen to people in a way that will help them listen
to you.
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Make eye contact, nods, and listening noises: “Uh huh.”
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Ask questions to clarify anything you do not understand: “What do
you mean by . . . ?”
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Show you understand by rephrasing, labeling, and validating feelings:
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“What do you mean by . . . ? Are you saying . . . ?”
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“You must feel . . . You seem . . .”
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“It makes sense that you feel . . . It must be hard when . . .”
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Check your accuracy by asking for a percentage rating of what you
understood: “What percentage of your comment did I understand?”
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Rephrase, relabel, or revalidate any points or emotions that you
missed.
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Identify any requests that lie behind people’s emotions after
thoroughly demonstrating that you understand their feelings: “Does it
help that I understand? Would you like a hug?”
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Interrupt long monologues with rephrases and validations: This may
shorten lectures.
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Use a stopwatch: If one person tries to get too many points across,
set a limit on how much time each person has to state his or her case
before the other person has a chance to express concerns.
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Welcome tears: They are a sign that you are doing an excellent job
of listening by drawing out deep levels of pain. Offer physical support
with a pat or a shoulder on which to cry.
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Do not offer solutions, even if the other person asks for them. Find
out what the person has thought about doing or what he or she
wants to do first.
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Do not disagree without thoroughly understanding how the other
person reached his or her conclusions.
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Do not agree just to pacify the person. You do not have to agree to
understand!
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When you don’t have the attention to listen, ask for time out. Set a
specific time to listen later, when you can be more attentive.
RECOMMENDED READING
Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginott (Avon Books, 1969).
Between Parent and Teenager by Haim Ginott (Avon Books, 1971).
Bringing Up Parents by Alex J. Packer (Free Spirit Publishing, 1992).
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix (Henry Holt, 1988) www.
imagotherapy.com
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber
and Elaine Mazlish (Avon Books, 1980).
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey (Simon &
Schuster, 1989).