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Leaving home emotionally can take a lifetime. Doing so is more about 
carving your own unique identity that simultaneously differentiates you from 
and links you to your family than about how far you live from home. The 
following pointers can help you begin the journey out of the nest:

• Log incidents in which you try to fuse or become one with others by 
  controlling, yielding, or forming alliances.

• Assess how your family operates by diagramming relationships in 
  your family of origin and your current family and observing interaction 
  during discussions.

• Maintain separate, person-to-person relationships with all family 
  members through discussions about philosophies of life, beliefs, and 
  interests. When unresolved issues interfere with relationships, use 
  empathy skills and express your feelings with statements that start 
  with the word “I” to work through the impasse.

• Take a position on issues that surface during life cycles and crises 
  by making statements that start with the word “I.” Express how your 
  stance differs from others while appreciating their views. Make sure 
  you are stating your concerns and intentions without attacking, 
  defending, or trying to ally with others.

• Make casual comments that agree with, exaggerate, or reverse 
  expected counterattacks (for taking a stand). If you have difficulty, 
  role-play scenarios with a friend or therapist who is not involved in 
  your family. Memorize possible responses.

• Dispel misperceptions that independence is the same as rejection: 
  Show that you understand others’ points of view to further defuse 
  counterattacks and to maintain contact while the family is absorbing 
  an expression of individuality.

• Take the neutral stance when other family members are in conflict: 
  Empathize with one person’s position without attacking or blaming 
  others. State that you intend to understand the other party as well, 
  and that you will not act as a go-between.

• Avoid alliances others try to form with you by exposing them: “ . . . 
  and I have been plotting how to help the family through this impasse.”

• Break confidences to disrupt gossip: Ask the third party why he or 
  she is allowing other people to gossip about him or her. You can do 
  this with or without warning the gossiper: “If you continue to tell me 
  things, I will inform. . . ."

• Deflect expressions of gratitude for your efforts to differentiate by 
  denying the importance of what you’ve done. Any endeavors to 
  differentiate must be made for yourself. Attempts to “help” others or 
  gain approval, seek oneness, and promote alliances rather than 
  individuation.

• Assess your level of differentiation by asking for feedback from 
  people you trust on how well you do the above. Work on making 
  needed changes.

EXTRA HELP
The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner (HarperCollins, 1997).
American Family Therapy Academy, www.afta.org