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Some relationships feel like all give and no get. The flexible nurturing and 
receiving that flows back and forth in a healthy relationship becomes stuck 
in master/slave or thankless/martyred roles. Often, “givers” think that if they 
just give enough, others will follow their example. Because they anticipate 
others’ needs, they think people should be equally capable of foreseeing 
theirs. When givers finally do ask for help, often it is done with so much 
complaining that others don’t feel like responding. They know that after all 
the nagging, givers will end up taking care of things themselves. The truth 
is that giving is not a sign of love and caring—it is a sign of good training! 
There is much that givers can do to teach people around them to be more 
thoughtful:

• Set limits on how much you give: This is the first step to getting more 
  help! Simply stop doing some things and find out how long it takes 
  others to pick up the ball.

• Be specific: Do not say “I’d like you to care more.” Say “Would you 
  ask about my day, give me a hug, or wash my feet?” Choices and 
  absurd requests help.

• Break the problem into small, achievable steps: What is the first thing 
  your partner could do to help you to trust him or her more?

• Make direct requests: Say, “Would you . . .?” This helps others make 
  a commitment to do something.

• Do not make statements or orders: “ . . . needs to be done” and “I 
  would like you to . . .” are statements. “Get me the . . .” is an order 
  and causes resentment.

• Give your partner the choice to refuse: The more freedom people 
  have to say “No,” the more likely they will say “Yes.” Asking, “Would 
  you . . .?” suggests that freedom. “Could you . . . ?” asks if they are 
  able and implies that if they can do something, they should.

• Ask with one short question without giving a list of reasons to justify 
  requests. The latter sounds demanding or manipulative.

• Practice accepting “No” graciously by making some unreasonable 
  requests so you can simply say, “That’s OK. No problem.”

• Practice asking properly for things others are likely to do before 
  asking for things that will stretch them.

• When others do what you ask, show appreciation! You can even 
  appreciate things they haven’t done as though they have. Saying, 
  “You’ve really been putting away your dishes more lately” is a 
  wonderful reminder.

• Ask in a trusting manner, as if you believe your partner will really do it.

• When your partner forgets to do something, just ask again without 
  making a fuss—“I’m sure you meant to. Would you do it tomorrow?”

• Don’t require other to want to do things to be helpful. When their 
  initial response is to grumble, remember that they’re in the first stage 
  of considering your request. Listen quietly and trust them to work 
  through their struggle.

• When other refuse to do something, ask once more, with only one 
  reason why your desire is important or simplify your request. Then, if 
  they decline, accept graciously.

Reference
Some strategies for partner training are adapted from Men Are from 
Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray (HarperCollins, 1992).