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When your partner tells you what you can and cannot do, it is easy to feel 
powerless and victimized. When adults take orders from their partners, they 
are reenacting childhood obedience and contributing to their own 
domination. Although partners may try to punish “defiance,” they are not 
likely to do anything other than get angry or withdraw. The best way to 
break a vicious cycle of domination and submission is for compliant people 
to start doing what they need to do and allow their partners to be upset. 
The following steps show how to start taking charge of your life:

• Show you understand your partner’s objections to what you want to 
  do by restating his or her point: “You don’t want me to . . . because. ."

• If you decide what you want to do is reasonable after making sure 
  you understand your partner’s objections, do it!

• Do not argue with your partner and try to convince him or her that 
  you have the right to do what you want to do.

• Sympathize when your partner attempts to control you with 
  moodiness or threats and realize that your attempts to change may 
  be threatening. Your compassion will ease the relationship through 
  the transition much better than endless reassurances or arguing.

• Offer extra affection (without changing your plans) to help 
  compensate your partner for his or her “loss of power.”

• Separate if your partner attempts to control you with physical 
  violence.

UNFOUNDED JEALOUSY

Jealousy is often the cause of attempts to control. Women may become 
jealous when their partner notices other females. They need to understand 
that men are visually oriented and “cruise” women in the same way that 
they enjoy noticing flashy cars. Expecting a man to be blind to beauty in 
other women places a devastating demand on a relationship. Some men 
get jealous when their partner is not under their direct protection and they 
may project their own lustful urges onto their partner. However, men need 
to understand that women are capable of handling everyday encounters 
without falling prey to men or sexual urges. In actuality, the real cause of 
jealousy is always insecurity about attractiveness or control. When it is 
expressed in the form of accusations and orders, it can destroy a 
relationship. However, there are ways to turn jealousy into passion and 
tenderness:

• Admit you are jealous before you even have a chance to conjure up 
  accusations.

• Express your jealousy with a statement that starts with “I”: “I felt so 
  insecure (worried, lost) when you. . . .” Do not interrogate or assume.

• Make simple requests that will help relieve your feelings: “Would you 
  give me a hug, call me when you’re late, or include me in the 
  conversation . . . ?”

• Treat jealous accusations as though they were expressions of 
  affection: “You really do love me, care about me. . . .”

• Ask questions directed at insecurities causing jealousy: “What is it 
  like for you when I . . . ?” Remember, unfounded jealousy has 
  nothing to do with your faithfulness.

• When you notice the opposite sex, do so appropriately, without 
  gaping, and then give your partner a little extra attention.

• When your partner says you cannot do something because of his or 
  her unfounded jealousy, follow steps 1–6 for dealing with another 
  person’s attempts to control.

JUSTIFIED JEALOUSY

Justified jealousy is inevitable after learning that your partner has been 
unfaithful. You may think you cannot continue a relationship once trust has 
been violated. Actually, losing the illusion of complete trust is realistic. 
Taking some of the following steps can rebuild the openness, 
companionship, and confidence necessary to restore a relationship:

• Hurt partners can decide if the relationship is worth saving on the 
  basis of having shared good times in the past and on the unfaithful 
  partner’s willingness to commit. Remember that people who are 
  dishonest, unlawful, irresponsible, impulsive, reckless, aggressive, 
  and violent often cannot remain faithful even with therapy!

• Hurt partners need to set and stand by conditions for continuing the 
  relationship suggested in points above.

• Unfaithful partners should admit to and start treatment for any sexual 
  addiction that contributes to the problem. People who need sex to 
  relax or feel loved, push their partners into unwanted sexual activity, 
  or have sexual interests that become a substitute for contact with 
  spouses may have sexual addictions.

• Unfaithful partners should admit to and get help for any substance 
  abuse that contributes to problems with commitment.

• Unfaithful partners should agree to stop all contact with previous 
  lovers: It may help to formally end any current affairs in the presence 
  of one’s partner.

• Unfaithful partners should agree to or take initiative for getting an 
  AIDS test.

• Both partners should agree to set realistic boundaries for the 
  relationship. For example, no contact with “friends” of the opposite 
  sex outside of work without the other partner present.

• Unfaithful partners should agree to have bank statements, phone 
  bills, or email monitored for an indefinite period of time.

• Unfaithful partners should agree to thoroughly discuss factors that 
  contributed to infidelity and to participate in therapy to ensure that 
  important issues are covered.

• Unfaithful partners need to learn and demonstrate the use of active 
  listening skills to help hurt partners express unresolved issues 
  constructively.

• Hurt partners need to keep communication lines open by focusing on 
  current needs. Interrogations often have hidden agendas in which 
  hurt partners make themselves feel more inadequate, insecure, or 
  unsupported.

• Hurt partners need to be responsible for healing their wounded egos 
  by changing beliefs that they are inadequate or stupid for not having 
  “prevented” the infidelity.

• Hurt partners need to clearly identify caring behaviors their partners 
  can do that would help them heal, and then should show appreciation 
  for demonstrations of caring.

• Hurt partners need to be willing to show caring behaviors to unfaithful 
  partners that will help them recommit to the relationship. This may 
  involve acting in caring ways even when feeling very resentful.

• Both partners need to examine unrealistic beliefs about love, sex, 
  and forgiveness.

Reference
See After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring (Harper Perennial, 1997) for 
further elaboration of these ideas.