Limiting Power
 

Trying to control every aspect of a child’s life provokes rebellion and loss of
power. When to act or not to act is the question, it helps to divide problems
into three areas:

• The issue is not negotiable and parents are directive and take action
  to ensure that children follow through when their behavior affects
  others— “I would like you to. . . .” “Will you do . . . now or in five
  minutes?”

• The issue is not critical and parents act as a sounding board to help
  children express feelings and solve their problem when their behavior
  affects only themselves. Parents can openly disagree with their
  children’s choices but state that the decision is up to them. Losing
  some battles makes children more willing to let parents win others.

• The issue is negotiable and conflict resolution steps are taken to
  resolve disagreements and reach long-lasting, satisfying solutions.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION STEPS

   1.        Set a time to discuss the problem when neither parents nor
              children are pressured.
   2.        Both parties express their point with the statements—”I want . . .
              I feel . . . I want/feel because. . . .”
   3.        Both parties reverse roles and accurately paraphrase what the
              other has said.
   4.        Generate possible solutions. Have children give ideas before
              parents offer theirs.
   5.        Evaluate all alternatives and pick the one that is most
              satisfactory to all.
   6.        When solutions cannot be found, review step 2 and set another
              time for discussion.
   7.        When agreements are broken, reevaluate to find out if the
              original agreement was unrealistic.

TO ACT OR NOT TO ACT

Approaches to Problems

Directions: To practice deciding how to approach parent-child problems,
cover the column on the right and then find out if you (and fellow
caretakers) agree with suggested approaches.

Situation                                                                         Problem Approach

VALUE CLARIFYING

When an issue is not critical, parents do not have to stand idly by. In
addition to feeling back thoughts and labeling feelings, parents can ask
value-clarifying questions that help children examine their alternatives,
choose carefully, and act on choices. Values can be seen in the judgments
people make, in the rules by which they live, and in their attitudes, desires
and goals. Children’s values are changing constantly: at various times, it
may be important to have lots of friends, make good grades, make the
football team, wear the right clothes, be different from everyone else, have
a pet, stand up for yourself, or get along with others.

SEVEN VALUE-CLARIFYING PROCESSES

To form values, children need to go through seven stages. Parents can ask
questions based on each stage to help young people develop their own
personal guidelines:

   1.        Being aware of alternatives:
           •        Did you think of anything else before you made this choice?
           •        What makes this choice better than . . .?
           •        What else have you thought about doing?
   2.        Choosing freely:
           •        Where do you suppose you first got this idea?
           •        For whom are you doing this? What pressure are you        
                    feeling about this?
           •        Is there anything you are avoiding?
   3.        Choosing carefully:
           •        How is this bad for you? How is it good for you?
           •        What is your objection to doing . . .? How did you make this
                    decision?
           •        What are your priorities? What do you most want to
                    happen?
   4.        Prizing and cherishing:
           •        Are you glad you feel this way?
           •        How is this important to you?
           •        Could you manage without this?
   5.        Affirming:
           •        Are you willing to tell others how you feel?
           •        Does anyone else know you want this?
           •        Are you willing to stand up for that?
   6.        Acting on choices:
           •        What will you have to do?
           •        What is your first step?
           •        What kind of changes will you have to make in your life?
   7.        Repeating:
           •        Would you want to do this again?
           •        Have you done this before?
           •        Is this worth the energy you’ve put into it?
 

Persuading, judging, suggesting, interrogating, and repeating your own
credo is not value clarifying. Nor is it helpful to ask why questions that put
children on the defensive and prod them into making excuses or even lying.
However, when children are facing a problem and have no guideline to deal
with it or when a value that used to work is no longer paying off, they may
welcome the above what and how questions to help them discover their own
inner truths.