Prizing Imperfections
 

Denying flaws in oneself requires psychological gymnastics of striving for
perfection at all costs or displacing imperfection (hostility, disapproval) onto
others. In both cases, feelings of defectiveness and vulnerability have been
buried. Although compulsive personalities can be demanding, they expect
the same or more of themselves and feel responsible to prevent minor
mistakes and major disasters. The anxiety of this enormous task is avoided
by intellectualizing and taking pride in strict standards. Guarded people are
less demanding of themselves because they displace (project) their flaws
and self-loathing onto others. Resulting tension is handled by lashing out,
and the loss of relationships is replaced with pride in independence and
decisiveness. Five or more items marked below suggests that the self has
been disenfranchised of its right to err.

Personality Types

Compulsive Personalities

• Have concern with details, rules, or schedules that interferes with
  happiness.

• Are devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure
  activities.

• Have overly strict standards that can prolong task completion and
  cause indecision.

• Feel responsible for everything and need to prevent chaos, disorder,
  and mistakes.

• Want others to do everything “right” and may do things themselves to
  avoid errors.

• Dominate peers and subordinates but are very respectful of authority.

• Are overly conscientious and strict about morals, ethics, or values.

• Are unable to discard worthless objects even when they have no
  sentimental value.

• Have difficulty spending money so it can be saved for catastrophes.

• Can appear rigid, possessive, intellectual, conventional, or
  dependable to others.

Guarded Personalities

• Have unfounded concerns that others want to hurt or take advantage
  of them.

• Worry about and doubt the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends and
  associates.

• Are often suspicious about faithfulness of partners without proof of
  wrongdoing.

• Read criticism or threats into harmless comments or events.

• React angrily when they imagine their character, space, or reputation
  has been attacked.

• Carry grudges and do not forgive insults, injuries, or slights.

• Are reluctant to confide in others due to concerns of betrayal; are
  secretive.

• Believe they know what others are thinking without asking and
  discard facts that don’t fit their preconceptions.

• Can appear suspicious, tense, cold, humorless, aggressive, and
  observant.

ORIGIN OF PROBLEMS

People with these characteristics had controlling parents with high or
unrealistic standards—“You must do better to be worthwhile” or “You must
be special, different, and loyal, but you are inherently flawed.” Both types
may take on characteristics of their cruel or controlling parent(s) to keep
the “defective” parts of themselves in check. Guarded people may find that
being a good, lovable person is so far out of reach that, as adults, they
avoid intimacy unless they can control partners or they choose sadistic
partners who recreate their childhood drama. Compulsive people generally
had consistent discipline and could escape punishment by meeting
demands. They may choose free-spirited, loving partners who represent
the side of themselves that they suppress.

Compulsive personalities are often first-born and even as infants can have
difficulty experiencing pleasure. Guarded people may be predisposed to
overrespond to their environment and have difficulty inhibiting impulses (to
strike out) under stress.

THE CHALLENGE OF CHANGE

Modifying high standards, allowing emotions, and being more accepting
and less attacking can be threatening. Such changes can make you feel
defective and vulnerable. However, staying the same creates self-fulfilling
prophecies that your significant others will not succeed or betray you.
Recognizing what you are doing is a giant step forward. No matter how
good you are at meeting your standards or scrutinizing others, you will have
moments of great tension. These are opportunities for growth. Keep a
journal of upsetting incidents and use them to turn inward and identify what
others’ behavior means about you.

Directions: Mark any of the thoughts that you get in your worst moments.
Then, identify beliefs you would like to have and affirm these new ideas
regularly.

Turn Defeating Thoughts into      . . .      Beliefs That Promote Change

























 

BEHAVIOR EXPERIMENTS

It will be easier to identify your defeating thoughts by intentionally creating
situations that bring them to the surface. Pick any of the following exercises
that sound hard or distasteful and find a family member or friend to be your
coach.

• Challenge your beliefs. Seek feedback about reasonable standards
  for and perceptions of people. Ask teachers, therapists, or others
  who have enjoyable, satisfying lives.

• Notice tension that occurs when others don’t behave as you want.
  Learn to catch these reactions and take a moment to count to three
  while you inhale and to six while you exhale. Remind yourself, “I’m still
  worthy when others act in ways I don’t like.”

• Create a catastrophic fantasy of the failure or deception you fear.
  Focus on any tension and use the breathing described above to help
  it pass. Make your fantasy so extreme that it’s ridiculous. As your
  stress lessens, practice healing thoughts—“I can handle future
  mishaps. I can understand the emotional pain that causes others’
  undesirable actions.”

• Identify changes that would lower your standards by 25%. Put them
  into action little by little. Intentionally make minor mistakes, be silly, or
  reveal a truth about yourself. Go on a (blindfold) trust walk or fall into
  your coach’s arms.

• Role-play handling upsetting comments. Agree with any (possible)
  truth in criticism and ask questions to understand how your behavior
  is difficult for others. Log attacks you make on others and find ways
  to reword them.

• Identify early abuse or pressure from caretakers that made you feel
  flawed. Use fantasy to help your young self understand what he or
  she could not comprehend as a child.