Restoring Romance

 

In the beginning of a relationship, both partners are leading separate lives
and have much to share with each other.  Over time, couples often give up
independent activities.  They may let go of friends and interests and start
“living for” the other.  When people don’t have some time apart, a marriage
loses its mystery.  The opposite can also occur: both people may go
separate ways, and when things are bad, their differences become glaring.
In addition to the natural forces that can dull relationships, resentments will
choke the very life out of anything that is left. But love does not have to die.
There are many things couples can do to rekindle fading embers:

• Heal the resentments that are choking your relationship. Take action
  to reclaim your power and repeatedly sympathize with any distress
  your partner feels as a result.  When you can’t resolve conflicts on
  your own, find help!

• Get a life.  Be sure to have interests or hobbies separate from your
  partner. Make yourself happy and share what you’ve been doing.
  Ask yourself, “What would I do if I didn’t spend so much time worrying
  about my partner?”

• Make separate lists of fun and exciting activities each person would
  like to do with the other. This can include simple activities such as
  showering together, massage, walks, or dancing. Do one activity a
  week, even if you are feeling “lazy.”

• Make separate “caring lists” of things your partner does or used to
  do that make you feel loved.  Add any behaviors that you’ve always
  wanted but have never had, such as cards, flowers, little presents,
  hugs, opening car doors, compliments, holding hands, nonsexual
  touches, and good-bye kisses.  Romantic gestures are particularly
  important for helping caregivers find relief from constantly attending
  to others. The resulting improvement in mood will make romance well
  worth the effort.

• Perform caring behaviors regularly. They are gifts.  Give them in
  spite of how you feel about your partner and regardless of the caring
  that is being shown to you.

• Train your partner to be romantic by showing appreciation of caring
  and by giving gentle reminders: “Don’t forget my kiss good-bye.”
  “You don’t know what a relief it was going out tonight.” Even if you
  have to ask for it, a caring behavior counts. The best way to love
  someone is tohelp him or her to be successful in loving you.

• Go on weekend getaways to make romantic connections without
  distractions. Just planning and looking forward to an event can
  reenergize relationships.

• Make changes that will give your union the balance it needs.  Decide
  if you need more separation or more togetherness.

• Find a cause that interests you separately or as a couple.  Extending
  the energy in your relationship beyond yourselves creates “soul
  mates.”  Political groups, charities, and religious organizations offer
  “transcendent” opportunities.

• Don’t compare your relationship to movies and dime store
  romances.  Mature love is more about being comfortable with and
  enjoying someone than about an all-consuming obsession.  
  Relationships need some common ground, but not a lot. You may
  have more to share than you realize.

Reference

Several of these strategies are adapted from Getting the Love You Want by
Harville Hendrix (Henry Holt, 1988).