Training Partners to be Helpful

 

Some relationships feel like all give and no get. The flexible nurturing and
receiving that flows back and forth in a healthy relationship becomes stuck
in master/slave or thankless/martyred roles. Often, “givers” think that if they
just give enough, others will follow their example. Because they anticipate
others’ needs, they think people should be equally capable of foreseeing
theirs. When givers finally do ask for help, often it is done with so much
complaining that others don’t feel like responding. They know that after all
the nagging, givers will end up taking care of things themselves. The truth
is that giving is not a sign of love and caring—it is a sign of good training!
There is much that givers can do to teach people around them to be more
thoughtful:

• Set limits on how much you give: This is the first step to getting more
  help! Simply stop doing some things and find out how long it takes
  others to pick up the ball.

• Be specific: Do not say “I’d like you to care more.” Say “Would you
  ask about my day, give me a hug, or wash my feet?” Choices and
  absurd requests help.

• Break the problem into small, achievable steps: What is the first thing
  your partner could do to help you to trust him or her more?

• Make direct requests: Say, “Would you . . .?” This helps others make
  a commitment to do something.

• Do not make statements or orders: “ . . . needs to be done” and “I
  would like you to . . .” are statements. “Get me the . . .” is an order
  and causes resentment.

• Give your partner the choice to refuse: The more freedom people
  have to say “No,” the more likely they will say “Yes.” Asking, “Would
  you . . .?” suggests that freedom. “Could you . . . ?” asks if they are
  able and implies that if they can do something, they should.

• Ask with one short question without giving a list of reasons to justify
  requests. The latter sounds demanding or manipulative.

• Practice accepting “No” graciously by making some unreasonable
  requests so you can simply say, “That’s OK. No problem.”

• Practice asking properly for things others are likely to do before
  asking for things that will stretch them.

• When others do what you ask, show appreciation! You can even
  appreciate things they haven’t done as though they have. Saying,
  “You’ve really been putting away your dishes more lately” is a
  wonderful reminder.

• Ask in a trusting manner, as if you believe your partner will really do it.

• When your partner forgets to do something, just ask again without
  making a fuss—“I’m sure you meant to. Would you do it tomorrow?”

• Don’t require other to want to do things to be helpful. When their
  initial response is to grumble, remember that they’re in the first stage
  of considering your request. Listen quietly and trust them to work
  through their struggle.

• When other refuse to do something, ask once more, with only one
  reason why your desire is important or simplify your request. Then, if
  they decline, accept graciously.

Reference

Some strategies for partner training are adapted from Men Are from
Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray (HarperCollins, 1992).