Turning Control & Jealousy
into Passion
 

When your partner tells you what you can and cannot do, it is easy to feel
powerless and victimized. When adults take orders from their partners, they
are reenacting childhood obedience and contributing to their own
domination. Although partners may try to punish “defiance,” they are not
likely to do anything other than get angry or withdraw. The best way to
break a vicious cycle of domination and submission is for compliant people
to start doing what they need to do and allow their partners to be upset.
The following steps show how to start taking charge of your life:

• Show you understand your partner’s objections to what you want to
  do by restating his or her point: “You don’t want me to . . . because. ."

• If you decide what you want to do is reasonable after making sure
  you understand your partner’s objections, do it!

• Do not argue with your partner and try to convince him or her that
  you have the right to do what you want to do.

• Sympathize when your partner attempts to control you with
  moodiness or threats and realize that your attempts to change may
  be threatening. Your compassion will ease the relationship through
  the transition much better than endless reassurances or arguing.

• Offer extra affection (without changing your plans) to help
  compensate your partner for his or her “loss of power.”

• Separate if your partner attempts to control you with physical
  violence.

UNFOUNDED JEALOUSY

Jealousy is often the cause of attempts to control. Women may become
jealous when their partner notices other females. They need to understand
that men are visually oriented and “cruise” women in the same way that
they enjoy noticing flashy cars. Expecting a man to be blind to beauty in
other women places a devastating demand on a relationship. Some men
get jealous when their partner is not under their direct protection and they
may project their own lustful urges onto their partner. However, men need
to understand that women are capable of handling everyday encounters
without falling prey to men or sexual urges. In actuality, the real cause of
jealousy is always insecurity about attractiveness or control. When it is
expressed in the form of accusations and orders, it can destroy a
relationship. However, there are ways to turn jealousy into passion and
tenderness:

• Admit you are jealous before you even have a chance to conjure up
  accusations.

• Express your jealousy with a statement that starts with “I”: “I felt so
  insecure (worried, lost) when you. . . .” Do not interrogate or assume.

• Make simple requests that will help relieve your feelings: “Would you
  give me a hug, call me when you’re late, or include me in the
  conversation . . . ?”

• Treat jealous accusations as though they were expressions of
  affection: “You really do love me, care about me. . . .”

• Ask questions directed at insecurities causing jealousy: “What is it
  like for you when I . . . ?” Remember, unfounded jealousy has
  nothing to do with your faithfulness.

• When you notice the opposite sex, do so appropriately, without
  gaping, and then give your partner a little extra attention.

• When your partner says you cannot do something because of his or
  her unfounded jealousy, follow steps 1–6 for dealing with another
  person’s attempts to control.

JUSTIFIED JEALOUSY

Justified jealousy is inevitable after learning that your partner has been
unfaithful. You may think you cannot continue a relationship once trust has
been violated. Actually, losing the illusion of complete trust is realistic.
Taking some of the following steps can rebuild the openness,
companionship, and confidence necessary to restore a relationship:

• Hurt partners can decide if the relationship is worth saving on the
  basis of having shared good times in the past and on the unfaithful
  partner’s willingness to commit. Remember that people who are
  dishonest, unlawful, irresponsible, impulsive, reckless, aggressive,
  and violent often cannot remain faithful even with therapy!

• Hurt partners need to set and stand by conditions for continuing the
  relationship suggested in points above.

• Unfaithful partners should admit to and start treatment for any sexual
  addiction that contributes to the problem. People who need sex to
  relax or feel loved, push their partners into unwanted sexual activity,
  or have sexual interests that become a substitute for contact with
  spouses may have sexual addictions.

• Unfaithful partners should admit to and get help for any substance
  abuse that contributes to problems with commitment.

• Unfaithful partners should agree to stop all contact with previous
  lovers: It may help to formally end any current affairs in the presence
  of one’s partner.

• Unfaithful partners should agree to or take initiative for getting an
  AIDS test.

• Both partners should agree to set realistic boundaries for the
  relationship. For example, no contact with “friends” of the opposite
  sex outside of work without the other partner present.

• Unfaithful partners should agree to have bank statements, phone
  bills, or email monitored for an indefinite period of time.

• Unfaithful partners should agree to thoroughly discuss factors that
  contributed to infidelity and to participate in therapy to ensure that
  important issues are covered.

• Unfaithful partners need to learn and demonstrate the use of active
  listening skills to help hurt partners express unresolved issues
  constructively.

• Hurt partners need to keep communication lines open by focusing on
  current needs. Interrogations often have hidden agendas in which
  hurt partners make themselves feel more inadequate, insecure, or
  unsupported.

• Hurt partners need to be responsible for healing their wounded egos
  by changing beliefs that they are inadequate or stupid for not having
  “prevented” the infidelity.

• Hurt partners need to clearly identify caring behaviors their partners
  can do that would help them heal, and then should show appreciation
  for demonstrations of caring.

• Hurt partners need to be willing to show caring behaviors to unfaithful
  partners that will help them recommit to the relationship. This may
  involve acting in caring ways even when feeling very resentful.

• Both partners need to examine unrealistic beliefs about love, sex,
  and forgiveness.

Reference
     
See After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring (Harper Perennial, 1997) for
further elaboration of these ideas.