Valuing Your Ordinary
 

Everyone is both special and ordinary. People who have buried feelings of
being worthless and unlovable run from being average by inflating their
abilities or seeking attention. Both types easily feel slighted, but inflated
personalities often become enraged because their whole self-concept is
threatened by undesired responses, whereas dramatic personalities only
risk losing support. Inflated people may openly or subtly belittle others to
bolster their fragile egos. Dramatic people are far too charming for this and
rely on their manipulative skills. Both find it useful to busy themselves with
big productions or exciting activities to avoid emotional pain. Six or more
items marked in either column below can suggest that the ordinary self has
been pushed aside by the performer.

Personality Types

Inflated Personalities

• Feel important, special, and unique and prefer to associate with
  “equals” who (supposedly) can best understand them.

• Often mention successes and can monopolize conversations.

• Like admiration and attention and hope others will notice (unproven)
  abilities.

• Have fantasies of success, fame, fortune, brilliance, beauty, or ideal
  love.

• Feel entitled to special treatment or automatic compliance with their
  desires.

• Can take advantage of others when their needs “must” be met.

• Have difficulty empathizing with others’ feelings and understanding
  their needs.

• Can feel wounded, humiliated, or rageful when others are
  unresponsive or critical.

• Often feel envious of others or believe that others are envious of
  them.

• Can appear arrogant, boastful, haughty, or overly sensitive to others.

Dramatic Personalities

• Exaggerate emotional expressions and can seem dramatic or
  superficial.

• Change emotions rapidly, which can be “at the surface.”

• Are uncomfortable when not noticed and like being the center of
  attention and creating excitement.

• Give special attention to appearance to attract attention (rather than
  to avoid criticism). May be ultra macho or feminine.

• Use stylized speech to create an impression, but may be unable to
  supply details.

• Use seduction, flirtation, and being shocking as ways to attract
  attention.

• Act more intimate than is warranted.

• Constantly seek reassurance, approval, praise, or special
  consideration.

• Are suggestible and easily influenced by others or circumstances.

• Can appear charming, manipulative, or superficial to others.

ORIGIN OF PROBLEMS

People with the above characteristics may have been attractive, talented,
or advanced as children and indulged by their parents. However, high
praise and attention may have been contingent on displays of ability, and
young ones may have felt devastated when they did not meet expectations
of being special. Their parents may have modeled similar inflated or
dramatic characteristics and viewed their children as extensions of
themselves—“Be wonderful for me. Do my bidding.” Like their parents, they
learned to feel entitled to special treatment. Seductive qualities can develop
when the opposite-sex parent is more available and nurturing and the same-
sex parent is not affectionate or supportive.

Unusual abilities and attractiveness suggests that nature plays a role in the
development of these problems. In addition, inflated personalities may be
prone to overrespond to their environment and handle stress with nonstop
talking or striking out. Dramatic people may be less reactive and seek
excitement for energy and to fill an internal void. Difficulty turning inward to
pause and reflect and caretakers who pushed performance with little
understanding of vulnerability may create problems with compassion and
empathy.

THE CHALLENGE OF CHANGE

Giving up exaggerating, belittling, seeking attention, manipulating, playing
on sympathy, and busyness can be painful. Without such defenses, you
may fear you have no value; however, these patterns can drive others
away and make it impossible to gain the very things you want most.
Recognizing what you are doing is a giant step forward. No matter how
good your ability to feel accomplished and gain attention, you will have
moments of deep hurt. These are opportunities for growth. Keep a journal
of upsetting incidents and use them to turn inward and identify what others’
behavior means about you.

Directions: Mark any thoughts you get in your worst moments. Then,
identify beliefs you would like to have about yourself and affirm these new
ideas regularly.

Turn Defeating Thoughts into     . . .      Beliefs That Promote Change

































BEHAVIOR EXPERIMENTS

It will be easier to identify your defeating thoughts by intentionally creating
situations that bring them to the surface. Pick any of the following exercises
that sound hard or distasteful. Find a family member or friend to be your
coach.

• Have dialogues instead of monologues. Use a timer and give
  yourself no more than three minutes to talk about yourself or make
  your point with your coach. This will help you pace yourself with
  others.

• Pretend you are a TV interviewer and challenge yourself to have a
  conversation in which you don’t mention anything about yourself. Log
  your discomfort later; however, pat yourself on the back when you
  help someone else open up.

• Ask questions to find out if you understand the other person’s point
  or experience—“Are you saying (feeling) . . . ?” This ensures that
  you are attending and defeats boredom. Pick specific times to
  practice this basic listening skill, for example, in your carpool or at
  dinner.

• Play the “Blah Blah” game. Have a conversation in which your coach
  says nothing but, “Blah, Blah.” Your job is to look interested and
  encourage him or her to keep blabbing. Your coach can rate how
  well you did. Discuss what the experience was like for each of you.

• Pretend you are reserved. Tone down your makeup or dress. Seek
  only one person’s attention at a time and make sure it is reciprocal.
  Be aware of any flirtations. Practice this on specific occasions and
  log your feelings.

• Rate “catastrophes” on a scale of 0–100. One hundred might be
  your child dying or your house burning down. Think “How important
  will this be in five years?”